A Message to the Studios

Dear Studio People From the Movies,

I know that it is customary for role-seeking actors to submit themselves to an audition, but considering my rising star status, I feel that it is you, studio people, who should be auditioning for me. You want me in your movies.

Need action? Call me. Need eye candy for the ladies? Call me. Have a script that needs work? Call me. Stunts? Me. Sex? Me. Special effects? Me. Low-quality hack work? Fuck off! Get someone else.

My range as an actor is unbelievable. I have found success portraying dramatic characters(as evidenced in the student film "Jell-o Dolly"), comedic characters (see my superior portrayal of the character Biff Tannen in my personal remake of Back to the Future), and can even do fantastic 'adult' work(gigantic and beautiful penis).

Being that I am way too busy with my career, and well behind on 'Breaking Bad', I have decided to offer you, Mr/Mrs studio executive guy, an opportunity to sample my Lawrence Olivier-like abilities via e-mail.

My first (and only) acting teacher taught me that "acting is acting like you're not acting". Also, she taught me that most acting teachers are just failed actors who drank themselves into insanity. Also, that first part is actually just a quote from "The Rocketeer" and not from my acting teacher, who was an insane drunkard incapable of forming a coherent thought outside of "Fuck Meryl Streep".

Regardless of my lack of formal training, I was still able to become the brilliant artiste that I am today.

Prepare to have your brains splattered all over the wall behind you! It is time for ACTING!

Let's start with a few basic emotions

Slight Anger:



Notice my use of fist shaking to drive the point home.

Blinding rage:



It is clear here that I have been pushed beyond the point of return and I am now making decisions under duress.

This is a little ditty I'd like to call "Oh, it's you":



You see? I'm trying to be polite, but it is clear that I have disdain for my new acquaintance.

Now I'm sure you're seeing these photos and saying to yourself, "Look at this guy. He's clearly very good. Dare I say one of the best, buuuuuuut I want a SMART leading man! Inception 2: Game Over is a smart movie for smart people!"

You want smart? Oh I can do smart.


Boom.

Here's a situation. You get a phone call and...uh-oh. Daniel Day-Lewis went bernanners and can't perform. You need a character actor, and you need one now. Look no further, I can do characters. Here's a character I created. His name is Gary and he's a Batman enthusiast.



Believable as can be. I've often been told that I look like a completely different person when I do this character.

Well, I wasn't going to do this. I'm not really even supposed to do this, but since you're considering hiring me, I'll let this one slide. I'm secretly at work on the set of "Funny Bunches of Oates~A Comedic Retrospective into the Life of John Oates". Here's a photo of my work from the set



Uncanny.

I'm sure you're hoping that this formality has come to an end so that you can rush to your phone and send a call to my agent(me). Well don't jump up too fast, I've got a few scenes to act out for you.
I call this one "My wife is falling off a cliff and I can't hold on"



Intense.

"In Soviet Russia, movie make you!!"



These next two go together. They're called "You're pregnant?!?!?" and "about that baby..."






And I leave you now with my finest creation:
"Getting a boner right before having to deliver a eulogy"




Thank you for your time studio guy/lady. Also, you're welcome for my time. My agents, myself, and the world are waiting for your call.
Sincerely,
Dan Scully



"We've done a good thing here today"

Dan and Scott Review The Fighter

It’s a tradition amongst me and my friends to see a movie on Christmas. Once our collective families have drunkenly driven themselves home from their cheesy-sweater laden festivities, the night is usually still young, and my friends and I play like Jews for a few hours by checking out whatever the hot ticket at the multiplex happens to be. Most of the time, it turns out to be a great time (last year was Sherlock Holmes), but sometimes it proves to be awful(Fuck you, AVP:Requiem). This year was probably the most exceptional year so far, for not only did we rock the double feature, but both movies were quite good. We saw “True Grit”(as did all other Christmas moviegoers) and “The Fighter”. My buddy and fellow film lover, Scott Pagnotti, went to both of these movies together, it’s only fair that he be included in the conversation.

Dan: Welcome Scott, Happy 2011, fuckface! It’s been 6 years since we’ve last heard from David O. Russell. Wait, scratch that. We’ve heard plenty from Russell. I refer of course to the on-set argument between him and Lily Tomlin that circled the video-interwebz in which he calls her the C-word. Yes, that C-word. It has been 6 years, however, since his last feature, “I Heart Huckabees”, a movie that’s so wildly different than his even earlier feature, 1999’s “Three Kings”, that I was very curious to see what “The Fighter” would do for me. To the uninitiated, “The Fighter “ is the true story of fighter Mickey Ward(Mark Wahlberg), and his one last shot at a title before he’s too old to make another go at it. At his back is his brother, former prize fighter Dickey Ecklund(Christian Bale), his mother/trainer(Melissa Leo), as well as the rest of his wickedly dysfunctional family. Along the way he meets Amy Adams, who eventually has sex with him and then me. Yes, I’ll take sloppy seconds to Wahlberg.
Going into this movie, I had low expectations, and I can’t figure out why! It has a fantastic cast, including what looked like the first time in years that Christian Bale hasn’t played a somber grumbly, and is lead by one of the few directors that can coax believability out of Mark Wahlberg. It’s not that Wahlberg is a particularly weak actor or anything, but watching a “Shooter” or “The Happening” Wahlberg is more than a few shades different than watching a “Huckabees” or “Boogie Nights” Wahlberg. Wahlberg. Say it. Waaaahhhhhhlberg. David O. Russell has featured Marky Mark prominently in his last three films, and to date, they are some of his finest work as an actor. Despite all of this, I wasn’t expecting much.

Scott: My anticipation was, well, I really didn't have any. To me this was just another Rocky, starring the guy from Invincible, directed by the guy who beat up Lily Tomlin and costarring the guy who beat up a camera man. I guess Russell Crowe was too busy filming Cinderella Man 2. At the very least this movie would be a few laughs. So I donned my yarmulke and traveled to the local movie theatre to see who "The Fighter" actually was. I got much more than a few laughs. The acting and direction painted a picture of a dark, depressing tunnel with a small light which seemed just ahead at every turn, but would we ever see it?

Dan: Not quite sure that Russell beat up Lily Tomlin. Actually, I'm positive he didn't, but for our purposes not only did he beat her up...he beat her to death. Yes, let it be known that Lily Tomlin died for "I Heart Huckbees", a movie in which she was sharing female lead status with Naomi Watts. The lead female role in The Fighter was also shared and was, in my opinion, the strongest part of the movie. Amy Adams, who is terribly gorgeous(despite playing some serious white trash), goes head to head with another actress who is pulling her own weight quite heavily lately, Melissa Leo(who was introduced to me in the criminally underwatched HBO series "Treme"). To look at Melissa Leo in The Fighter is not to recognize her. In fact, it wasn't until midway through the flick that I even realized who she was, which is a testament to how talented she is(or how unobservant I am. Probably a bit of both). This also spoke to me in terms of Russell as a director. His notoriously loud-mouthed and angry ways seem to be working. Not a single character in this movie leaves any slack behind, performance-wise. The only flaw in the character-work for me, was found in the harem of trashy sisters that Ward has in his family. The flaw, however, is not in performance, but rather in the underwritten status of these characters. Perhaps a little more family backstory could have added a depth to the women as individuals as opposed to being treated(and being featured on screen ALWAYS) as a group. I can see, however, that such a change may have affected the pace of the movie, which was definitely one of it's strengths.


Scott: Dan, I totally agree with what you said about Melissa Leo and Amy Adams. In my opinion they may have been the strongest characters. Christian Bale's character being a drug addict, the father being fearful of the mother majority of the film, Micky's character himself who seemed to transform from indecisive and scared of his family to head strong and in control of himself by the end. As far as the sisters, I believe they played the "sheep" in the movie. Although, I'd rather fuck a sheep. They were fearful and unquestioning to the mother throughout the movie (with the exception of one fantastic scene which showed the spite the mother was capable of) and also just emphasized the mother's control over the family. The step sisters from Cinderella also come to mind in the way they were just an extension of the mother. Unlike Cinderella though, in "The Fighter", all these women did in fact care about the central character in their own weird twisted way, and as much as you may hate them one second you are very sympathetic the next.


Dan: I like what you said about the ugly sister squad being the mother's sheep. It is very interesting to watch the father grow from someone who gives in to his wife(who seems to be training Micky for her own personal gain), into a man who tries his hardest to do right by his son, even if it means angering his family in the process. Like I said before, to introduce a background to the daughters may have offset the pacing of the movie and hurt it. As it stands, the pace of the movie was just right. Heavy drama would give way to lighthearted dialogue and then flow into boxing seamlessly and without that "this is taking forever" feeling. Even the boxing sequences were handled with aplomb, and upon youtube researching, were quite accurate(if not slightly cinematized) down to the announcers. I've heard people complain that a movie called The Fighter" should have had more boxing. It's true that the boxing sequences were few and far between, but I havent seen boxing committed to film so skillfully since "Cinderella Man". Despite the lack of boxing, there was certainly an excess of fighting(ohhhhhhh now I get it). Moms yelling at daughters, brothers yelling at brothers, girlfriends yelling at sisters, even convicts yelling at Christian Bale(who yells back as if they were a room of lighting assistants BOOM!). Another thing that was very strong in this movie was its use of small amounts of humor to lighten the mood, as well as make some scenes more tragic. Bale, surprisingly, brings a wealth of humor to the proceedings, due to his flamboyant personality(the aformentioned convict/yelling scene comes to mind), but simultaneously his character is aware of his own charm and uses it to manipulate others, such as a terribly heartbreaking scene in which he sings to, and eventually with, his mother to distract her from the fact that she just picked him up from a crackhouse. Sound like Oscar bait? Well it would be if it weren't handled with such skill by everyone involved.

Scott: I like to consider myself a boxing fan. Not enthusiast, or die hard fan(although I love Die Hard) but a boxing fan nevertheless. Ward retired in 2003, I started watching boxing slightly before that. I remember his fights with Arturo Gatti, and remember seeing his fight with Shea Neary. During the film at one point I remember hearing someone say "Now they're Rocky fighting" and thinking, "No, they're Micky Ward fighting" because this brought me back to his few fights that I had seen. And like you Dan, I also went to YouTube that night and watched some of his fights and Russel (David O., not Crowe) did a remarkable job recreating the fights as well as the actors. From the commentating, to the trunks and gloves and almost hit for hit. Needless to say I spent the next few days watching old boxing matches. As far as the humor, it is played off so well. No jokes per say, just excellent chemistry. Lines that if I were to post would be lost on anyone who hasn't seen the movie, yet make anyone who has laugh. Most of these lines of course were delivered by Bale. The humor behind them is just another part of this complex character that Christian Bale became. People may be tired of hearing how great he was in this movie, but not only was this the role of a lifetime, he just was the role.

Dan: People will be talking about Christian Bale's role a lot. He did a fantastic job, but I do feel that the reason he's being lauded so highly is that it's been such a long time since we've seen him step out of the mold he has built for himself, but I'm not going to let that sway my opinion. When he does step out of the mold it is always a treat. There's a reason why Christian Bale has been in everything ever...he's fucking good. In closing I'd like to state that this movie was a success because it was exactly the sum of it's parts, all of which are great. Solid acting, a script that embraces convention skillfully, and a director that clearly knows what he's doing, have all been combined to create a solid day at the movies. Interesting sidenote: I've come to respect Russell as a director. The subject matter/genre of his films have been so widely varied, all the while keeping the quality high. Plus, if you can extract a great performance from Mark Wahlberg, that puts you into a league with Scorsese, which is naturally a good place to be.

Scott: Great acting. Great directing. Great story. Even a great soundtrack. I recommend this movie for anyone who's not offended by rated R movies and actually likes being entertained. Not Oscar bait, but definitely Oscar worthy.

Dan's Rating 8/10
Scott's Rating 9/10

Philadelphia Film Fest Review: Hesher

HOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOLY SHIT, I LOVED "Hesher"! Not just loved in that "Wow! What a movie!" kinda way, but loved in that "this movie will forever own a piece of my soul, even if it treats me poorly or hits me(which it probably would)" kinda way. It certainly didn't hurt that the screening was scheduled almost immediately after the oh-so-disappointing "High School", and it REALLY didn't hurt that the movie was FUCKING AWESOME!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! IM SCREAMING!

"Hesher" is the story of a family in ruins. Having just suffered the loss of his mother, our young hero(?) TJ is not coping well. His father, Paul(played BRILLIANTLY by Rainn Wilson) is frustrated, defeated, and relying on pills to ease his pain. The rock of their family comes in the form of the grandmother, Madeleine(Piper Laurie, who has immersed herself in thie role almost to the point of non-recognition), who wants nothing more than to be noticed by her family.

TJ is feeling rebellious and angry and decides to take it out on a random window. He smashes the glass and is immediately introduced to the true hero of the movie, Hesher. Hesher(Joseph Gordon Levitt in yet another role that proves he will be remembered as one of the greats) is a mystery. On the surface he looks like your average heavy metal-er: skinny, dirty, and tatooed all over his body. Underneath his exterior is a...well..I'm not sure. I do know that he's a deep guy, just not sure how deep. We don't know where he's from, how he got to be the way he is, or how he has managed to stay out of jail. We do know that he appears to have no family, no friends, and a dirty old van that he probably lives in. Hesher doesn't give a fuck about rules. Hesher doesn't give a fuck about watching his mouth. Hesher smokes like a chimney, listens to heavy metal, and gets off on confrontation and property destruction.

Hesher immediately invites himself to move in with TJ and his family(literally by coming inside, sitting down, and not leaving), and despite his disgustingly crass behavior, seems to fit in. Hesher's insistence upon doing whatever the fuck he feels like brings a feeling of normalcy and calm to a tumultuous family situation. TJ and his father quietly accept his presence, while Madeleine is enamored with his youthful(to her) exuberance. Enter Nicole(Natalie Portman, acting Oh-so-girl-next-door-like) to play the polar opposite of Hesher. Nicole is a loner with a mysterious past, much like Hesher. Unlike Hesher, however, her apparently troubled history has manifested itself in a soft-spoken kindness that also strikes a chord with young TJ. These two opposing mentor characters naturally attract, drawing Hesher, Nicole, and TJ into a powerfully disfunctional(and sometimes very comic) trio.
The film progesses with Hesher causing trouble, Nicole and TJ escaping the trouble, and then TJ and his family reluctantly learning something from it. It sounds predictable. It's not. Not that there are any surprises, it's just that the narrative of this movie has such a unique life to it.
"Hesher," much like it's titular character is rude, dirty, vulgar, and surprisingly brutal(you should see the beatings that young TJ takes at the hands of reckless bike rides), all the while being deep, and moralistic at heart. I can't wait to buy it and show everybody why I've been freaking out about this movie after having seen it alone at the festival. I NEED to talk to someone about this little monster, but I really can't capture the feel of this terribly unique film without saying more than I'd like.

God damn I loved this movie.

What I liked about it:
-JGL in the mo' fucking HIZ-ouse! The dude creates such a unique character with Hesher, and effectively makes you forget that its JGL behind the METAL!
-Rainn Wilson did the opposite of what he's known to do. He plays his character straight, leaving every ounce of hammy-ness on the side, only allowing his silly demeanor to ooze through ever so slightly in his mannerisms. It's brilliant. Gah!
-Devin Brochu(TJ) is an actor that I have never seen before, and only once since(in the delightfully odd "Rubber"), but despite his youth and lack of experience, he captures what its like to be a rambunctious adolescent boy. Fuck that kid from "Where the Wild Things Are". I did like that movie, but the lead was pretty unlikable throughout. Brochu is at all times likable and genuine. Also, as i've mentioned, his character takes a beating and it looks as if he may have done his own stunts, but don't quote me on it.
-The quick heavy metal music cues that punch into your ears whenever Hesher appears.
-The best bully comeuppance I think I've ever seen.
-Old ladies smoking bongs will never not be fun to watch.
-Piper Laurie played such a beautiful character. She reminded me of my very recently departed grandmother(love you Nana), and showed me a small window into what it must feel like living into one's 80s. It is truly a great performance of a very nicely written character.
-The fact that I saw this movie before any of my idiot friends, giving me ample time to overhype it, leaving them underwhelmed. I'm sick and this is fun for me.

What I didn't like about it:
-The fact that I saw this movie before any of my idiot friends, giving me ample time to overhype it, leaving them underwhelmed.
-Nothing. Even the sappy ending has a hard enough edge to keep me satisfied.

Would this movie have benefitted from Tom Hanks?
In such a perfectly cast movie, with so few characters, it would be hard to squeeze him in, buuuuuuuuuuuut I'm never above a little T to the Hanks, so maybe he could have been used as an extra. He might have worked in the role of the car impound lot manager, but since you don't know who that is, it makes no difference. Of course an alternate version with Hanks AS Hesher might be worth sinking a few millions into(this would be shot entirely for my entertainment, since releasing a remake to theaters would be a sin against humanity).

If this were a musical, what would be the title song?
It would play out in the style of a rock-opera, only much heavier. The title would be "Hey! Rock YOU!"

Going into the movie what did I expect?
To quote my friend who scooped me on the movie(and then couldn't come see it): "Duuuuude it's about some heavy metal dude that fucks shit up and sets fires and stuff. Its supposed to be funny but dude get this.....the heavy metal guy, ya know, Hesher, is played by, dude wait for it......JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT!" that is all I knew, and as a result I expected to see the best movie ever.

Were my expectations met?
Yes, which is such a metal thing for a movie to do.

My review for the box:
"This movie made me want to go see this movie again!"

So long credibility...10 out of 10!!!!

Philadelphia Film Fest Review: High School

'High School' is the only movie from the Philadelphia Film Festival that I straight up did NOT like. This is very odd for me considering that I like everything, and its very VERY hard to fuck up a "stoner movie". 'High School' is not without some very funny gags, but the gags that are worth noting a very few and far between.

The plot is qutie original: Upon watching the star student fail miserably in the spelling bee, due to her being too stoned to do anything but giggle, the principal(played by an utterly TERRIBLE Michael Chiklis) decides that it is his duty to crack down on use of marijuana in his school, and institutes a mandatory drug test, failure of which results in immediate expulsion. This does not bode well for our hero(Adventureland's blaaaaaaaaaaand Matt Bush) who, despite being a straight A, clean cut, model student, has just dabbled in the devil's harvest for the first time. Staring expulsion straight in the face, he decides to do what any young whipper-snapper would do...steal weed from a local dealer(Adrien Brody, the saving grace of this movie), bake enough pot-brownies to get the entire school high (GET IT?!?!?!? HIGH SCHOOL! HA! HIIIIIIIIIIIGH SCHOOL. You really don't get it do you?), and deliver them to the school's conveniently scheduled bake sale, thusly nullifying the results of all drug tests. What follows is essentially a 90 minute montage of what would happen if an entire school's worth of students and faculty were extremely stoned without knowing it.

Ya, its pretty high(guh!) concept, but a good one nonetheless. This movie should write itself from here on out.

It doesn't. From this point, the movie unfolds like every other movie ever.
The lead and his buddy run around school witnessing inaccurate stoner antics, all the while avoiding the evil principal, another star student who is competing for valedictorian, and a drug dealer. Then the movie ends.

To me, the quintessential stoner movie is "Pineapple Express", which is less about the weed itself, and more about the characters and how their lives are affected by their drug of choice. "High School" is all about the weed itself, and its physical effects on the characters. Sure it tries to be about the characters, but it fails at doing so since all of them are either underwritten or simply unlikeable. Also, for a movie to focus on the effects of marijuana, it should try to at least make it believable. In movies like "Rolling Kansas", "Harold and Kumar Do Some Shit", and "Pineapple Express", being stoned is represented rather accurately, highlighting the bonding experience of a good smoke, riffing on the hilarity of paranoia, and poking fun at some pretty accurate stoner-cliches, all the while avoiding a "square" perspective. Conversely, the characters in "High School" act as if they are inebriated in a much different way. None of these characters act stoned. Instead they act the way a 55 year old mom who has never tried anything but a cabernet would expect someone to act while they're stoned. I'm not trying to say I'm some pro at getting fucked up, but being stoned is NOTHING like being drunk or tripping on hallucinogens. The squares will tell you different. The affected characters act as if they have imbibed copious amounts of both booze and acid, running around in insane confusion, drooling on themselves, getting lost,and being unable to function properly in any way. All I could think of was the scene in "Transformers 2: Revenge of My Fucking Butthole", in which Shoe LaBoo's mom accidentally eats a pot-brownie and proceeds to act like a complete motard, rolling in the grass and yelling non-sentences.

Also, Colin Hanks is in it. This neither enhances nor hurts the film.

Alright, let's profile this thing...

What I liked about it:
-Adrien Brody plays an incredibly intense drug dealer who is, at all times, paranoid, hilarious, and terrifying...just like any good real-life dealer.
-Chiklis has hair for the first time since his appearance on Seinfeld, which is nice.
-Chiklis' son is played by the fat kid from Bad Santa. Smile.
-Andrew Wilson(the lost Wilson) plays one of Brody's cronies. He has very few lines, but is always the draw of each shot he is in. With Luke Wilson gaining 80 lbs and selling out to AT&T, and Owen Wilson attempting life-suicide and comitting career-suicide, I can only hope that one day Andrew will restore the Wilson brand.
-It made me realize that I'm a much funnier person than anyone involved in this movie, which gave me hope that I will one day succeed.
-To be fair, there were a few funny parts, such as a mushroom trip scene that made me howl. I just don't care.

What I did NOT like about it:
-The leads are horrendously unlikable, and had no chemistry. One is a pussy, and the other a loudmouth shit with no redeeming qualities. These characters are supposed to be former friends that have grown apart, as elementary school friends often do when they reach high school, and are now thrust into a bonding situation. I guess they're supposed to realize that in the end, they're not all that different after all. They DO realize this at some point, but for no logical reason. As I watched this friendship "develop", I could only root for them to decide against bonding, hopefully realizing that despite the tendency for opposites to attract, these two are destined to destroy one another.
-The lead and the romantic interest do not exchange more than one line for the ENTIRE movie. When they inevitably hook up(uh, spoiler?), I had to rack my brain to remember who this young woman even was.
-The ending is one of the biggest "I was bad but now I'm good because of nothing" switchovers since Russell Crowe went nicey in "3:10 to Yuma". I hate when this happens. So do you.
-The archetypal 'nerd-go-getter-who-wants-to-bring-down-the-lead' is such a poorly written character. He seems to show up intermittently whenever the writers needed to fill another page. His subplot is dropped for large chunks of the movie and is resurrected in small, painfully unfunny showdowns between he and the lead. He's an empty template and is probably the only thing in this movie thats worse than Michael Chiklis.
-The lead has a black eye. It looks horrifically fake. It's clearly just a smudge of eye-liner. Yes, I know this is a low budget affair, but I could create a muuuuuch better effect with NO budget. Seriously, the kid looks like he just got booted from a Green Day Audition(buuuhZING!) not hit in the eye(lolz!)
-Michael Chiklis. This is odd. Usually I enjoy Chiklis. I think he's very talented. His name reminds me of the gum, Chiclets. Buuuuuut, he SUCKS in this movie. His character is almost supernaturally unreasonable, and sooooo unfunny(like soooooooooooooooooooooooo unfunny. Really bad). While it is fair to say that this movie takes place in an alternate reality where kids could manufacture and successfully complete a plan to dose an entire school in a matter of hours, it still seems highly unlikely that a character like this guy could ever be the principal of a school. He's the worst at everything. Although in the Q&A sesh with the producer it was revealed that Chiklis wrote and performed the entire closing credit score, which is a total rock and roll festival of pure metal(its not). From what I could tell, he's got to be pretty technically good at playing multiple instruments. That's neat. I thoroughly enjoy picturing Chiklis all alone in his recording studio beating up instruments and having creative flashes of brilliance all in the name of "High School"

Would this movie have benefitted from Tom Hanks?
Yes, but Tom Hanks would not have benefitted from this movie. Colin Hanks could barely make it work, and he's a carrier of the 'T-Cell'(that which grants Tom Hanks his powers. Note also, that Forrest Whittaker has a small T-cell infection in his eye, which bestows him the power to evoke emotion from even the most stone-hearted critic. No one knows how he attained this infection).

If it were a musical, what would be the title song?
It would be a 'Glee'-style reimagining of "One Toke Over the Line"...and if this movie were to suddenly become a musical midway through it's running time, it would have introduced enough of a bizzaro mentality to make the flaws in this movie slightly more tolerable. Unlike "Cheech and Chong" or "Harold and Kumar", both of which take place in colorful alternate worlds, "High School" makes the mistake of being unable to suspend my disbelief enough to buy into any of it for too long.

Going into the movie, what did I expect?
I expected to be laughing my ass off a considerable amount throughout the running time. I also expected to feel proud of having seen this movie before all of my friends.

Were my expectations met?
No. I barely knew anything about this flick before setting into the theater(I like to go into the festival mostly blind). Still I was let down. Sparsely funny, filled with bland or snide characters, and coated in the feeling that it was written by an oldhead who'd lost touch with his youth, "High School" was not one for me to brag about to my friends. I'm sure I'll catch it one day on TV in the future and I'll enjoy kinda paying attention to it.

My review for the box:
"Now this is a movie! Literally, it is a movie. Not a very good movie, but it fits the definition"

5.5 out of 10

I'm turning OLD this week!

Holy shit. I am an old man. I've reached that age where I care about two things: My wife(who I've grown to hate), and my lawn(which I will die to defend). Sadly, even though I've reached this age, I have neither a lawn, nor a wife. Although, if I had these things, I'd have probably buried one within the other by now.
Yes, people. I'd have murdered my whore wife, and buried her in my glorious lawn. Dumb whore. Just HAD to screw your way to the top didn't you. Lot of good that did you huh? That's right, you've got NOTHING to say. Mostly because you're dead! Don't worry, my precious lawn, I'll put the grass right back where it was.


Sorry. Got a bit off topic there didn't I? It's ok. I'm an old man and these things happen. Where did I begin? Ah yes! I'm old. On Sunday I will be turning 26! That's a quarter century plus one year! That's a season of "24" plus two episodes of the next season! That's the evil number from "The Number 23"'s older brother! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because I'M FUCKING 26!!


This is a momentous occasion! Not only have I graced all of you with my presence for the better part of half a century, but I have survived on this horrible planet amongst a population of complete idiots for just as long.
No one thought I could do it. "You'll be dead by the time you're 25!" they all said. "If you don't go off and die, I'll kill you myself!" they often yelled. But here I am, in the flesh! Still kicking around this shithole like the goddamned genius I am. Thusly, we must celebrate!
I will be celebrating my birthday by seeing the one-and-only Sir Paul McFuckingCartney in concert, but then there's you. How will you, loyal reader, celebrate the shining light in your life(me)?
I'll tell you how. By buying me things. Buying me things that I love. Allow me to offer you some suggestions:

MONEY

All of it. Not that I'm not richer than you'll ever be, but who doesn't love more money? So give me some of that sweet, sweet cash.

CARS

I'm partial to fast sports cars, but I'll gladly take a gas guzzling SUV emblazoned with pictures of American flags and crumbling ecosystems. If you can't get me either of these options, I'll gladly settle for a helicopter with machine guns (and they's better have laser-sights. I'm not a fucking child)

YOUR MOM

Although I've been sleeping with your mom for years now, I have no proof. But if you were to arrange this meeting, I could then shove it in your face for years to come. All the while blessing you with the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing my seed has swam around in your gene pool.

BOOZE

Champagne, microbrews, and whiskey. If you bring me Miller Lite or anything similar, I will have no problem water-boarding you until you plead homosexuality. If you bring me Bud Light Golden Wheat(aka Liquid Sadness) I will gladly mix shards of glass into your shampoo. I will laugh because you deserve it. Golden Wheat is truly the worst thing to happen to humanity since The Fray.

THE NEW iPHONE

I waaaaaaaaaaaaant it. Plus, you can then video chat with me and make your life better(sexier).

YOUR BODY

This applies to the LADIES ONLY. If you wish to offer me your body(which I can't see why you wouldn't), just get into this long ass line and I will be with you shortly to determine your worth(based entirely upon looks, so even if you have a shit personality, don't get discouraged).

FOOD

I'm on the verge of once again becoming a vegetarian, so before then I'd like to try any of these exotic meats.....ahem. Grizzly bear, Cheetah, Lion, Panther, Meerkat, Rosario Dawson, Loch Ness Monster, Hobbit, Cthulu, Tiger, Phoenix, Griffin, Peacock, Penguin, Dragon, Ghost, Zombie(little taste of your own medicine, bitch!), Hippo, Velociraptor, Manatee, Seal(baby), elephant, Godzilla, Silverback Gorilla, Robot, Panda, Robot-panda, Koala, Bald Eagle, Neematoad, Walrus, Bottle-nosed Dolphin, Tasmanian Devil, Bat, Space-carp.
Most of these meats can be found at reasonable prices from this site:
www.google.com

GUNS

I don't discriminate. Just buy me guns. Although, if I HAD to pick one, it would be a laser cannon that can also shoot poop at my enemies. Whose poop? YOUR POOP!

A HATTORI HANZO SWORD

How else do you expect me to Kill Bill? Plus, If you're gonna compare a Hanzo sword, you compare it to every other sword ever made... that wasn't made by Hattori Hanzo.

A SANCTIONED BOXING MATCH AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI

Not so tough without your motor skills, are ya? I AM THE GREATEST.

A CHANCE TO PLAY THE NEXT BATMAN...AND JOKER

How will I be better than Christian Bale? By not screaming every line like I'm on fire and just ran forty miles to talk to you about it. How will I be better than Heath Ledger? By reading the dosage properly.

SPIDERMAN'S POWERS FOR ONE WEEK

Cuz let's face it. Any longer than that and I might become a total egotist.

A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE MY OWN FARTS

My farts smell very good. The worse they smell to you, the better they smell to me. Nature is cool.

A TIME MACHINE

For time-traveling. Duh. Also, it's really my only hope of getting my hands on "Gray's Sports Almanac.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS

Just tell them who it's for(me), and you should have no problem getting them to comply. I am awesome.

Thank you for reading my requests. Remember, my happiness is good for the nation, and with such meager and reasonable requests, you should be able to easily make me happy.
But until then GET OFF OF MY LAWN YOU RABBLE-ROUSING, NO GOODNIK KIDS!

I now own a record player and collect vinyl

Hello! Just wanted to let the world know that I now own a record player and I now collect vinyl. Why, you ask? Well, I have three reasons!
1. I'm better than you
2. You're not as good as me
3. On a scale of one to ten(ten being the best), I'd be ten and you'd be somewhere below that

I'm going to go listen to it now.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wrasslin'

We've all seen the ladies wrestling in KY Jelly. We've all seen the ladies wrestling in mud. This is old ass news, bitches. You wanna be sexy, you had better get creative! Here's a list of things that I think it would be sexy for all of you ladies to wrestle in.



-Cream of mushroom soup(condensed, allowing more glops)
-Newspapers(the ink run-off will look like bruises)
-Cats(mrrrrowr!)
-Guacamole(the fresher the better!)
-Rocks(no using the rocks as weapons! Blood isn't very sexy. Just a little)
-Nesquik
-Ovaltine(this is NOT redundant! Nesquik is VERY different and if you disagree you are not worth listening to!)
-Wheaties(crunch, crunch, crunch!)
-Crushed ice(Nips!)
-Poops(this is definitely not sexy, but I'd love to add "I just watched naked chicks wrestling in poops" to my story repertoire)
-Eggs(removed from the shell and raw...for protein)
-Tortilla chips(maybe adjacent to the guacamole ring? I'm feeling a Cinco de Mayo fiesta could benefit greatly from this idea)



Are the gears turning, ladies??? Feel free to submit your own ideas to this list. Also, feel free to throw a party involving any of these ideas. Furthermore(also), feel free to invite me.
Before I go, allow me to enlighten you to THE. SEXIEST. THING. FOR. LADIES. TO. WRESTLE. IN.
::drumroll::
-Other Ladies



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone