Holy shit. I am an old man. I've reached that age where I care about two things: My wife(who I've grown to hate), and my lawn(which I will die to defend). Sadly, even though I've reached this age, I have neither a lawn, nor a wife. Although, if I had these things, I'd have probably buried one within the other by now.
Yes, people. I'd have murdered my whore wife, and buried her in my glorious lawn. Dumb whore. Just HAD to screw your way to the top didn't you. Lot of good that did you huh? That's right, you've got NOTHING to say. Mostly because you're dead! Don't worry, my precious lawn, I'll put the grass right back where it was.
Sorry. Got a bit off topic there didn't I? It's ok. I'm an old man and these things happen. Where did I begin? Ah yes! I'm old. On Sunday I will be turning 26! That's a quarter century plus one year! That's a season of "24" plus two episodes of the next season! That's the evil number from "The Number 23"'s older brother! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because I'M FUCKING 26!!
This is a momentous occasion! Not only have I graced all of you with my presence for the better part of half a century, but I have survived on this horrible planet amongst a population of complete idiots for just as long.
No one thought I could do it. "You'll be dead by the time you're 25!" they all said. "If you don't go off and die, I'll kill you myself!" they often yelled. But here I am, in the flesh! Still kicking around this shithole like the goddamned genius I am. Thusly, we must celebrate!
I will be celebrating my birthday by seeing the one-and-only Sir Paul McFuckingCartney in concert, but then there's you. How will you, loyal reader, celebrate the shining light in your life(me)?
I'll tell you how. By buying me things. Buying me things that I love. Allow me to offer you some suggestions:
MONEY
All of it. Not that I'm not richer than you'll ever be, but who doesn't love more money? So give me some of that sweet, sweet cash.
CARS
I'm partial to fast sports cars, but I'll gladly take a gas guzzling SUV emblazoned with pictures of American flags and crumbling ecosystems. If you can't get me either of these options, I'll gladly settle for a helicopter with machine guns (and they's better have laser-sights. I'm not a fucking child)
YOUR MOM
Although I've been sleeping with your mom for years now, I have no proof. But if you were to arrange this meeting, I could then shove it in your face for years to come. All the while blessing you with the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing my seed has swam around in your gene pool.
BOOZE
Champagne, microbrews, and whiskey. If you bring me Miller Lite or anything similar, I will have no problem water-boarding you until you plead homosexuality. If you bring me Bud Light Golden Wheat(aka Liquid Sadness) I will gladly mix shards of glass into your shampoo. I will laugh because you deserve it. Golden Wheat is truly the worst thing to happen to humanity since The Fray.
THE NEW iPHONE
I waaaaaaaaaaaaant it. Plus, you can then video chat with me and make your life better(sexier).
YOUR BODY
This applies to the LADIES ONLY. If you wish to offer me your body(which I can't see why you wouldn't), just get into this long ass line and I will be with you shortly to determine your worth(based entirely upon looks, so even if you have a shit personality, don't get discouraged).
FOOD
I'm on the verge of once again becoming a vegetarian, so before then I'd like to try any of these exotic meats.....ahem. Grizzly bear, Cheetah, Lion, Panther, Meerkat, Rosario Dawson, Loch Ness Monster, Hobbit, Cthulu, Tiger, Phoenix, Griffin, Peacock, Penguin, Dragon, Ghost, Zombie(little taste of your own medicine, bitch!), Hippo, Velociraptor, Manatee, Seal(baby), elephant, Godzilla, Silverback Gorilla, Robot, Panda, Robot-panda, Koala, Bald Eagle, Neematoad, Walrus, Bottle-nosed Dolphin, Tasmanian Devil, Bat, Space-carp.
Most of these meats can be found at reasonable prices from this site:
www.google.com
GUNS
I don't discriminate. Just buy me guns. Although, if I HAD to pick one, it would be a laser cannon that can also shoot poop at my enemies. Whose poop? YOUR POOP!
A HATTORI HANZO SWORD
How else do you expect me to Kill Bill? Plus, If you're gonna compare a Hanzo sword, you compare it to every other sword ever made... that wasn't made by Hattori Hanzo.
A SANCTIONED BOXING MATCH AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI
Not so tough without your motor skills, are ya? I AM THE GREATEST.
A CHANCE TO PLAY THE NEXT BATMAN...AND JOKER
How will I be better than Christian Bale? By not screaming every line like I'm on fire and just ran forty miles to talk to you about it. How will I be better than Heath Ledger? By reading the dosage properly.
SPIDERMAN'S POWERS FOR ONE WEEK
Cuz let's face it. Any longer than that and I might become a total egotist.
A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE MY OWN FARTS
My farts smell very good. The worse they smell to you, the better they smell to me. Nature is cool.
A TIME MACHINE
For time-traveling. Duh. Also, it's really my only hope of getting my hands on "Gray's Sports Almanac.
THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS
Just tell them who it's for(me), and you should have no problem getting them to comply. I am awesome.
Thank you for reading my requests. Remember, my happiness is good for the nation, and with such meager and reasonable requests, you should be able to easily make me happy.
But until then GET OFF OF MY LAWN YOU RABBLE-ROUSING, NO GOODNIK KIDS!
