2009 In Review: VOLUME

Hello blogosphere(is that cool to say or not? i dunno)! Sorry for my absence over these last few months. I know that the 2 people who read this (Hi mom, Hi Jeff) are probably feeling a huge relief to know that their favorite blog is back in action.

This is going to be a running segment on my blog, detailing my favorite parts of this past year: 2009!
A lot of great things have happened this year (Michael Jackson's death, I'm looking in your direction) and good times were had by all! Each segment of "2009 In Review" will focus on one of these great things. Also, feel free to comment and suggest future topics.

2009 brought me the greatest gift of all:

The iPhone!


I love it. I love it. I love it.I love it Iloveit iloveit iloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiloveitiFUCKINGLOVEIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do I sound crazy to you???? Well, that's probably because you don't have one. You wouldn't understand my love. Do you think you have felt love? Do you think you KNOW what love is? Do you ever say to your mother, "I love you"? Do you ever say to your significant other "I love you more than anything in the whole world"? Or if you're fighting you yell, "but I fucking LOVE you, you bitch"? Do you love your dog? A certain food? A favorite drug? A well-managed administration?
Perhaps a book.
But you do not know love.
You do not have an iPhone. (If I was reading this to you, this is where I'd make eye-contact with you, silently count to 8, and then mouth the words "You don't know" while lightly shaking my head back and forth)

I love breakfast food for dinner. I LOVE it. But it does not come close. Not even if you bring it to me in bed and then fuck me afterwards.

The love I feel for the iphone, MY iPhone, is the deepest love I have ever known. Why?
Because unlike any girl who has been blessed enough to date me, the king of lovers, the iPhone UNDERSTANDS me.

My favorite song to listen to right now is "Bone House" by the Dead Weather. It is also iPhone's favorite song. I know this because it's number one on iPhone's favorites list. My least favorite song to listen to right now is "Party in the U.S.A" by Miley Cyrus' Song Writers. When I look on my iPhone it is nowhere to be found. Even when I search my iPhone (a function activated by pressing the iPhone's ONE button), there's still no trace of it anywhere.

Although it does offer to search for it on the web. Haha. Good one iPhone. You're so funny. It's part of why I love you.

I was walking through the streets of New York with my mother (who's still learning what a computer is), and I blew her mind with the help of iPhone. iPhone cares about my mom like that. How nice is that? We needed to get to Terminal 5 (to see Rodrigo y Gabriela {The band, not the famous duo of dockworkers who can 'get you stuff'. Oh and if you make a comment about me seeing shows with my mom...I'll rip your boobs off or sumthin}) which was on 56th street. We had no directions. We had iPhone. I asked iPhone if it could do me a favor and help us out(I did this by pressing the ONE button it has). iPhone not only gave me directions, but offered to call me a cab or give me the subway route(complete with schedule).

Way to go above and beyond, iPhone!! You get a blue ribbon! I'd pin it to you, but that would puncture your touchscreen.

Your touchscreen. Don't even get me started on your touchscreen. Or do.

iPhone's smooth-as-your-lover's-breasts-on-a-good-day surface is easy to run my finger across, accessing applications('apps' to the uninitiated), updating my facebook, touching up my blog(although it doesn't need it), twittering, youtubing porn, researching via safari to see how long until the next season of Beach City, myspacing(urrgh), i.e. doing WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.

iPhone gets along with my friends. Just the other day, iPhone met DVR (my second best friend, sorry buddy. I know I shouldn't pick favorites. But I can. So I will.) And they got along superduper swimmingly. I saw a commercial and loved the song from it so much that I HAD to know what it was. iPhone can tell me! Just gotta let iPhone listen and an answer will be found! (This technology really exists. That's fucking insane). But wait! Commercial's over. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! iPhone can't hear it! WAIT! DVR to the rescue. By rewinding live TV with my DVR I was able to REC the SNDTRK to the ADVERT and finally add the song to my IQ (What am I doing)!!!!!

This blog is falling apart. Everytime I get on a rant I get the urge to pick up my iPhone. Is it bad that my hand computer has the ability to pull me away from my actual computer? You see, I bought a new case for iPhone today. IT HAS ANOTHER BATTERY BUILT INTO IT! Now I can use iPhone for twice as long before having to return to civilization. Now I can regress back into my glowing screen of love and leave society for twice as long!!!! Even the accessories are insanely bad ass.

I lost my train of thought. Hanley called and it ruined me. It took so long because my hi-fi ringer put me into a wiggle-dance, I missed the call and had to call him back. It couldn't have been easier. Or more fun.

Ok. I can't focus. Who are we kidding. We all have the same thing on our minds and I'll be the first to admit it:
I MISS YOU RITA!!!!!!
Rita Bennett-Morgan 1997-2009
"Im Just Here to Bitch, Dexter"

You will be missed for a short while and then forgotten about when a new love interest is written into the show. I will miss you most, because its nice to have a girl on the show that doesn't look like a boy (sorry Deb, LaGuerta). I was reeeeeeally hoping for one more sex scene before you died, but nothing in life can be as perfect as we imagine (except you, iPhone!). WHy did you name your daughter Astor? That is the WORST name ever. No wonder she's become such a bitch recently. Everyone must make fun of her and call her Ass-Turd. If they're not, they definitely should be. Just to teach you a lesson! Well I guess Trinity took care of that though, didn't he. Don't worry, while you were getting inducted into Hell, Dexter was hammering him to death. Say Hi to Doakes for me. Maybe you and Lila can iron things out. I'm sure Dexters bro will try to ruin things for you, but there's not much he can do since you are probably already clued into the whole serial killer side of Dexter. Harry will most definitely try to bang you, but i think it's ok if you do end up screwing. He seems to bug Dexter and this will keep him out of Dex's hair.

This has been 2009 Year in Review Volume 1!! Stay tuned!

The Tyranny of TouchTunes To be Terminated!

Recognize this familiar face? Of course you don't. Because you were too shitty off of 'Jamaican Ass-plows' and 'Red-Headed Yoga Whores' to notice it. But let's say in a small moment of clarity, you can somehow assemble a memory of this glowing beacon of presumed entertainment. Do you remember it with a thick loathing as I do, or did it somehow trick you into thinking that your night together was consensual?

Why is it that I hate the Touch Tunes machine? Why must I crusade against what seems to be a window to some good music?
BECAUSE I'M FUCKING CHEAP AND TOUCHTUNES IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!

Imagine this: You're chilling at a party at your friend's house, knocking back some brews, watching the game and having a general good time when it hits you, "Wait a minute! I'd love to listen to some Billy Squier* right about nowsish!"
Immediately you turn to your host, pry him away from the underage girls that he thinks he's charming (it's called a car asshole, and when they're old enough to drive on their own they'll bail on you for the yacht driving trust fund recipient in his mid thirties), and ask him, "Yo, Mighty Bro Young, mind if I rock some choice cuts of the Squier man?"
Your friend, licking the cherry cola flavored chapstick from his lips turns and says, "No problem chieftain, but it's going to cost you a dollar."
What would you do?
I'd imagine you'd call him a dipshit and then leave. Personally, I think I'd lean in to the (extremely) young ladies he's sassing and say, "Don't believe his bullshit, just because he's not having an outbreak does not mean you can raw-dog it." And then, I'd take his iPod and throw it on the floor next to his dignity and my patience.
Even worse, imagine if you paid the dollar, and instead of putting on your song, he puts on his favorite playlist.
You say, "What the shit dude? I wanna hear Billy Squier"
To which he replies, "Oh yeah, well if you want to hear it next, you've got to give me another dollar."
Let's pretend you haven't killed him yet. Perhaps you rented 'Gandhi' from your local library and are feeling excessively peaceful, so you pay him the money.
FINALLY! SOME SWEET SWEET BILLY SQUIER!
But then no. 'Summer of 69' begins and we're all a bit gayer because of it.
"This isn't my song," you angrily seethe through clenched teeth, "I wanted 'The Stroke' by the Squier-man"
"Sorry Bro Montana, your selection is in a queue of 10, since 10 other people also wanted to hear their song next, you gotta wait. It's only fair"
Naturally, this friend would come home from work the next day to find his house reduced to a pile of ashes, and me standing on top urinating on the charred remains of his iPod dock.
I feel my actions would be understandable.
Yet every time I go to the bar, I get drunk and then I feed my hard earned dough into a machine to possibly hear a song that is available for free in my very own jukebox that I call my iPod. I feel that I'm not alone. When I'm drunk and its time to see sweat comin' out my pores, I turn to TouchTunes to give me my fix of MarkyMark. When I see that girl looking across the bar at me, presumably with an inclination to bang me, and it's MY job to set the mood, I turn to TouchTunes to enrich my night with some 'Cutting Crew'.
In a given night, I can piss away 10 bucks cash-money on songs that I may never hear, in the hopes that when it comes on someone will say,"YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHH!" and I'll stand up and say, "I picked this shit! You are SO welcome!"

Well today, I'm done! Fuck that! Never again am I putting my dead presidents into what is essentially an automated beggar with a shit-ton of music knowledge.
Where will my booze-time entertainment come from, you ask? Simple. I'm goin old-school. From now on, I will fight the omnipresent TouchTunes temptation, by bringing back the lost art of "The Drunken Sing-along". Best part about a DS-A? No one needs to know the words. Just emote to the rhythm and everybody wins. Unless everyone sings Bon Jovi. Then nobody wins. Because Bon Jovi sucks ass and apparently models his hair after Jennifer Aniston. Like a fag would. Cuz he's a total fag.

Heres a fun game, Dear Readers. Try to name the albums on the TouchTunes in the picture. I can pick out 4. Bottom right "Elephant-The White Stripes". Directly above that, we have "The Blue Album- Weezer" followed in the bottom left by "The Green Album- Weezer" Also, second in from top-left we can clearly see the The Wallflowers' first (only?) album. I can't recognize any others, but assuming that this is a page of W bands, I'm sure we can figure out the rest.
Peace out knockuhs!

*Squier is how I spell it. It may be 'Squire' but I don't know nor do I care. If you do know and want to correct me, it means that you're a loser.

Welcome to my blog!

Holy shit! The time has arrived! Today is a day much heralded in the annals of American lore. For today is the day that I, Dan Scully, have finally realized that I too, can pretend to be as important as every other blogger thinks he/she is. I too, can share pointless ramblings with an audience that I pretend exists! I too, can channel raw emotion through my fingers into words describing what it feels like to be an outcast, despite the fact that I can easily find friends at Hot Topic (or Torrid if you're a fatty). I will now have a chance to follow in the footsteps of the cyber trail-blazers who came before me by relating song lyrics to the trials and tribulations my tortured existence. I can mock celebrities. I can piss on religion. I can laud religion. I can give meaningless high school sports updates for the Conkerville Sand Alligators All-Lesbian softball team. I guess what I'm saying is I can now do anything that anyone has ever done in a blog, only better. Why is it better? Because it's ME, stupid. And I'm the best. However...YOU, Dear Reader, must be controlled.
I want COMMENTS
BUT! There's a few ground rules:
1. Don't think that I care about your opinion...cuz it's wrong.
2. Don't ever say anything about my momma!
3. Don't knock The White Stripes
And most importantly:
4. Have fun and don't touch anything that looks like it could be easily broken.

I'll be back when I find something pertinent to write about. Be there or be gay!