5. My favorite band, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” finally hit it big with their song “FreeCreditReport.com”
Arguably the catchiest pop tune of the year, “FreeCreditReport.com” has captured the ears and CapitalOne accounts of young and old alike. “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” went from a bunch of lazy jerk-offs with bad credit, to being the biggest thing since sliced Jesus, and they did so practically overnight. I remember seeing these guys as a lame Renaissance Faire band wayyyyy back in the day when they were underground. I also seem to remember having the singer as my waiter at my favorite pirate restaurant (I watched him and his band get chewed out and fired by their manager for turning the kitchen into a “disturbing musical brouhaha”). Little did I know that these young whippersnappers would soon outshine the likes of Paul McCartney, Sinead O’ Connor, The Verve Pipe, and Ernest P. Worrell.
Most bands who endure a meteoric rise(don’t meteors go down? I dunno) to fame soon suffer from either a stinging fan backlash, internal strife with band members, or they just fade away into nothingness, gone from the charts faster than they arrived. The only way an artist can avoid this is by creating a body of consistently dazzling work. Not to be destroyed by their own potent rockitude, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” were able to follow their smash hit with yet another piece of golden plated harmony entitled “Schools OnDemand”. The face of rock has been changed. And daddy like. Daddy like a lot.
Interested in hearing more of “The Stupid Fucking Assholes”? Just tune into television at any time of any day on any channel.
4. Obama assumes the presidency and fixes everything over the course of one week.
January 20th, 2009 is a day that will be remembered forever. For that was the day that everyones favwite widdle pwesident, George W. Bush, left office after 8 years of destroying terrorism with an iron fist and balls made of taxes and red white and blue and rocknroll and trucks and heavy metal guitar riffs and torturing people and flying jets and killing aliens and competing in tournaments and punching babies and shootin guns and killing Nazis and power tools and fighting gangs and doggy style and army of one and smoking weed with Harold and Kumar and THESE COLORS DO NOT RUN!
This bumbling little rich kid bumbled and riched soooooooo much, that America was suddenly ready to elect a black dude. A new day has come! Now I’m guessing the decision was made easier for most Americans by the fact that Obama is not very black. If there was a check list with 20 bullet points that make you black, he’d have the bare minimum checked off (Black wife- check, Not white- check, Takes it to the hole from dooooowntown-check). Still, this was a huge step forward for race relations in our country and it seemed that all our problems would be fixed.
Little did we know…
They WOULD BE fixed!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Using his mutant ability to convert the sun’s rays into powerful beams of peace and wealth, President Obama turned America into a smooth-talking, head-bowing, peace machine. Within a week, universal healthcare was granted to every person on the planet, yes PLANET. Within merely the first few days of the Obama administration terrorism disappeared because Al-Qaeda members were too busy kissing babies and respecting women. Suddenly, our ozone not only mended its hole, but grew to be stronger than it ever has been. Animals learned to talk and told us of a new way to protect forests (I won’t get into details but involves ‘apps’). White people learned to dance. Black people learned to tip. Chinese people learned to drive. Italians learned to be trustworthy. Cuba got a baseball team. Cars are fueled by happiness (which exists in droves!). Monsters became our friends. Free Gatorade for everyone.
And from this point forward, there will never, ever be any sort of problem with anything. God Bless America.
Dear world, you’re fucking welcome. Love always but not really, America.
3. LOST introduced time-travel, thusly securing it’s status as the bestest thing ever.
Ask yourself, what is the coolest thing on the planet? That’s right. Me. But being the coolest thing on the planet, it is up to me to determine what things are as cool as me. From my ivory tower (well-deserved, mind you) I have determined that the coolest thing besides myself is time-travel. The third coolest thing is LOST.
2009 brought us season 5 of LOST. Season 5 of LOST brought us TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Warning, here comes some spoilers). At the end of season 4, John Locke decided it would be a good idea to “move” the island. Ok, so it was Ben’s idea, but Ben is a fag and you can’t trust him so I’m giving credit to Locke. The island disappears right in front of our eyes (WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but it hasn’t changed location in space, it changed location in TIME! Holy shit! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!! Now we’ve got half of our castaways stuck in the 70s and the other half stuck back at home with the increasingly insufferable Jack (played by a piece of wood carved to look like Matthew Fox). Shit starts blowing up, Hurley invents Yahoo, Ben grows up to become Kevin Spacey, and Sayid tortures the space-time continuum with a car battery. We run into characters as kids, Jack and Kate finally fuck, and Jack and Sawyer beat the fucking hell out of one another. It’s so bad ass. And at the end of it all, Juliet(the girl who dyked it out with Angelina Jolie in ‘Gia’) blows up the 70s. What are we to do??
Season 6 premieres in 2 weeks and I have a few predictions:
1. Jack will act like a bitch
2. Sawyer will scowl at things
3. Locke’s old man breasts will distract me from the plot
4. Sayid will refuse to torture ever again ever ever ever.
5. Sayid will torture at least 35 people
6. Sayid will attempt to torture a few more people, but get distracted from his mission by a new potential list of torture victims
7. Sayid will be denied a torture session
8. Sayid will react by torturing someone
9. Kate will have long arms
10. Hurley will call someone dude/be fat
11. Michelle Rodriguez will return from the dead
12. Michelle Rodriguez will die
13. The island will be magic.
14. Sayid will torture the island with a car battery (he’ll find the car battery in a cave. It was left there by him in the 70s when he was torturing the cave. Go time travel!)
Stay tuned. I’m sure I’ll have some blog commentary as the new season unfolds.
2. Bonnaroo music festival.
I went to Bonnaroo. It was the greatest week of my life. Music, sex, drugs, murder, rape, DJHero, fountains, ferris wheels, gas stoves, nitrous balloons, hippies, criminals, nudity, green-man, sunshine, sunburn, fire shows, seeing bands, meeting bands, seeing comedians, meeting comedians, eating alligator, motels, tents, Nazis, velociraptors, Lycans, Ben Roethlisberger(sp?), Glenn Close, fuse tv, Triumph. Most of these things are at Bonnaroo. I dare you to pick out the false entries.
Highlights:
Waiting an hour to see Triumph the insult comic dog. Wrong line. Never made it in.
Dancing in the fountain to NWA
Coheed and Cambria throwing water bottles into the crowd despite Bonnaroo’s “bottles are wasteful” policy
Eating gator tail cuz the guy behind the counter sprayed me with a hose
Kangaroo Jerky
Hiding from the rain and watching the lightning
Maintaining my cool while everyone in the car was vomiting
Watching cops mounted on horses tackle nitrous dealers
Making the crowd laugh during the Beastie Boys by yelling “Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon”
I really should devote another entry in my blog to this wondrous event. It was THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. Everyone should go. If you don’t go at least once, you will not be living a full life. It’s a fact that you suck if you miss it.
BTW Alligator is delicious. Also, when it comes to music festivals, the population is usually inundated with the most worthless people on the planet: hippies. I’m not talking about fun flower children, I’m talking about dirty bums who are more interested in the drugs than the music. Luckily there’s not many of them here. Bonnaroo tends to attract a wide variety of people. The melting pot of tastes and types is friggin beautiful. Just go. GO!
1. Antichrist!! The CRAZIEST MOVIE EVER, is released.
MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW
Lars Von Trier, everyone’s favorite nudist European filmmaker, made a truly, madly, deeply(!) challenging movie. I can’t tell you what happens, largely because I don’t know. It makes no sense. But I get it. I know what Von Trier was going for, even though I don’t. But I do. I definitely do.
Charlotte Gainsbourg totally cuts up her vajay with a rusty pair of scissors. This is the same vajay the we get to see get fully penetrated by Willem Dafoe’s coddledoddly. Yes, this movie has full penetration, followed shortly thereafter by a small child jumping to his own death. Later on there’s a penis shooting blood, a fox that talks, and a deer that’s caught midway through giving birth to a still-born foal. All of this happened. For real. Well, not for real, but within the context of the movie. IT MAKES NO SENSE. But I get it. Do you? You might. Watch it. Or don’t. You’ll probably hate it.
SHE CUTS HER VAJAY OFF WITH SCISSORS!!!!! THAT’S IN-FUNKING-SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRING IT ON 2010. BRING. IT. ON.
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