New Endings to Old Jokes

Everyone likes a classic joke, but don't stop me if you've heard this one, because it's going to end differently than you might think. Unless, of course, you are awesome. Here we go!!!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to buy an elephant gun

How many Polish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. You're a fucking racist

A priest, a rabbi, and a cop walk into a bar. I left the bar because I hate God and am pretty angry at most cops.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Nothing. It is impossible for them to breed.

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?
Just one, but he'll probably bring like 12 friends/family members and they'll work for a flat rate so you might as well get it done quickly.

What does a 500 pound gorilla eat?
Bananas

What do you call a black guy in a suit?
His name. You are so racist.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Smith

What happens when you play a country song backwards?
It makes funny noises

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing

Knock knock
Who's there?
Jane
Jane who?
Jane Smith, my husband said he was headed this way a few jokes ago and I haven't seen him.

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because he was blind.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't care

What do gay horses eat?
Horse feed

What do you call a girl who you just knocked up?
You don't

What did the Mexican fireman name his kids?
I don't know

There's a black guy and a Hispanic guy in a car. Who's driving?
I guess whoever owns the car. You are so racist dude


Hey everybody! Here's a joke for LOST fans:
What's Desmonds favorite pasta??
PENNE!!!!

Sorry about that last one. There's really no outlet for a good LOST joke, but hopefully you get what I'm going for here. Stay tuned, I've got some heavier, more relevant pieces coming up!!!

Since I've been drinking and it's 430 in the am and I had a killer show tonight, I see no problem with separating myself from the original narrative to say this:
"Temptation Greets you Like Your Naughty Friend" is an amazing song. It's by The Arctic Monkeys and it will rock your face. Go buy the cd (who am I kidding. Just download it. But then go see these guys live. They deserve your money as well as mine)

Goodnight world!
Coming soon: "The Living Dead: Who Will Die This Year and Why"

I'd like to also note that the photo at the top of this post is, quite possibly the best photo ever taken of me.

And I'd very much like to mention(to the dismay of Jeff Soles) that I saw a trailer for an animated movie about warrior-owls that featured the WORST song I have ever heard. It's by 30 Seconds to Mars but you wouldn't know it from a new Green Day song. It's THAT bad.
And "Step Up 3D" can eat my naughty parts.