The Living Dead Volume 1

Ah, the wonders of celebrity! Out of the billions of people doomed to die on this death-ship we call Earth, a few thousand get to taste that syrupy nectar called fame. Some achieve this status through their talents, while some inherit it from the loins of their talented(see: rich) parents. Some simply fuck a famous person on tape(HA! What the fuck is a tape?!?) and become famous themselves. Others are called The Kardashians. Still, anyway you slice it, the rest of us obsess over the minute details of the gilded lives of these blessed few. More important than the life of the famous person, however, is the death of the famous person. A celebrity’s demise can make(Heath Ledger) or break(David Carradine) them. All I know is that when a beloved or infamous star finally kicks the bucket, it can knock even the most important news to the bottom of the queue. This year we’ve already lost some famous folk-Peter Graves, Robert Culp, Corey Haim-but who are we going to lose in the next few months? In this segment I’d like to highlight the lives of the people who will die this year.
The Living Dead Volume One:
BILL COSBY

Hey Jell-O Pudding, time to get a new spokesman, because yours is dead! Thuh poo-daaang and thuh Jillo jigglerrrzzz are so delicious that I wooooooooooooo(say that in a classic Coz voice and you’ll get it). Bill Cosby is a comedic legend. A LEGEND. One of the funniest people to ever live, Bill Cosby was able to take the ins and outs of family life and lampoon it in a squeaky clean, yet cleverly subversive way. He was also the inventor of black-guy-crazy-eyes, an oft-used, yet never mastered comedic technique. I frequently try to use black-guy-crazy-eyes in my comedy, but usually end up delivering sexy-guy-cool-pools-of-dreamy-blue eyes. Not as funny. But still, the ladies love it. LOVE IT!
It’s a shame that Bill Cosby is dead, because now we will never get to see “Leonard Part 7”, the long awaited sequel to “Ghost Dad”. I’m trying to remember the plot of “Ghost Dad” and I’ve pieced together three scenes that I can remember in some capacity.
1. There’s definitely a scene where the ghost of Dad first manifests himself in front of his family. He wants to talk to them, but can’t because there’s some type of supernatural catch 22. When the lights are on, he can bee seen, but not heard. When the lights are off, he can be heard but not seen(theres a “black guys at night” joke here, but I’m not going to be the guy who makes it). This situation is remedied by Ghost Dad (henceforth referred to as “Ghost Dad”) flying up to some sort of heaven, speaking to an old man in an office and then everything is ok. This might not be true, but it’s all that I can remember, and I take a lot of Quaaludes(I’d like to note that the word processing software that I’m using saw fit for Quaaludes to be capitalized. This is funny)
2. I remember a scene late in the movie where Ghost Dad’s daughter falls down a staircase and becomes Ghost Daughter. I don’t remember the full details(ludes), but it seems that when this happened, we as the viewing audience were supposed to feel a sense of relief, since the daughter was now granted Ghost Powers IE: Flight, Spooky Voice, Lazer Eyes, Shapeshifting, Fire-hands. This seems to be a sketchy morality, but seeing as when I saw this flick I was a 9 year old who stole Quaaludes from his uncle’s chest of drawers, my morality was skewed to begin with.
3. This scene I can remember clear as day. I’m sure all of you can remember it clear as day too, since it was the main scene from the trailer, as well as the only scene with any sort of comedic merit. It was shortly after Dad died and became Ghost Dad that he found himself in the middle of the road, completely unaware of the fact that he is dead. He turns to his right(left?? LUDES) and finds himself face to face with an oncoming bus! UH-OH! He’s gonna die!!!!!! Oh wait! HE’S ALREADY DEAD!!!!!! Hilaaaaaaaaaaaarious!!!! But instead of running Ghost Dad over and killing him(reminder: he’s dead) the bus simply goes right though him. Ghost Dad is dumbfounded(he’s convinced he’s still merely Dad)! We, as the viewers, are treated to an inside look to Ghost Dad’s POV(yay screenplay software!). Not only is Ghost Dad seeing the inside of the bus, but his face is about to collide with an old lady’s crotch that is positioned at eye level! Look out, Ghost Dad, you’re about to get some geriatric vagina to the face! PRIME COMEDY MATERIAL. Instead, Ghost Dad goes right through it (cuz he’s a ghost) and we, as viewers, are not treated with an inside view of the reproductive system of an octogenarian.
Oh Bill Cosby, we will miss you so. Remember when you were on “I, Spy”? I don’t! It happened before I was born! I DO remember the film version of “I, Spy” starring Eddie Murphy as you. This was such a cinematic abortion that I thought it was directed by Tyler Perry. I’ve never seen the original show, but I imagine that comparing the movie to the source material is like comparing AIDS to a night of unbridled, passionate sex with Salma Hayek. Oh shit! Futurama is on! Fuck my blog! I’m outie like clam-chowdie!


DENNIS HOPPER


This is OBVIOUS. He’s dead. The dude looks like a fetus that was aborted on Tuesday and left in the sun until Saturday. Last I heard, Dennis Hopper weighed 80 pounds, gave up on medical treatment, and decided to star in a television version of “Crash”. This man is at the end. The end of THE GREATEST LIFE EVER. Dennis Hopper is famous for doing shit-tons of acid, acting like a general asshole, and looking so bad-fucking-ass doing it that he deserves every ounce of our love.
Why Dennis Hopper is(was) the best:
1. Easy Rider-Motorcycles and acid, the breakfast of champions(Hunter S. Thompson)
2. At the end of Speed, right before his head gets knocked off he tells Keanu Reeves the most obvious thing ever. “I’m smarter than you!” He is. So is my shoe. But Dennis Hopper wasn’t afraid to say it. On top of a train. He also wasn’t afraid to put a bomb on the newly crowned Oscar winner, Sandra Bullock(sidenote: why is everyone shocked that her husband Jesse James cheated on her? Has anyone ever met one of those dudes that “tricks out” motorcycles? They are ALWAYS assholes. They are ALWAYS the tattooed offspring of crackwhores, who fucked what they thought was a sexy animal at a hoedown that turned out just to be some son of a crackwhore who also fucked some guy at a hoedown that they thought was an animal)
3. He performed on a Gorillaz track. So bad ass. His voice sounds all raw and tattered. Turns out it was throat cancer, but it certainly sounded bad ass at the time. It was some story about a group of island people worshipping a volcano. I think. I don’t really know for sure, nor do I care. It was awesome, but I’m not about to go dig it up. This is a blog, not a research paper.
4. Probably the greatest thing about Dennis Hopper, is his famous cinematic showdown with another scenery-devouring motherfuck, Christopher Walken (whose name is actually Ronald. No lie), in a classic Tarantino scripted, Tony Scott directed, thriller/love story, “True Romance”. I think we’re all familiar with this powerhouse of a scene! YOU’RE NOT?!?!?!?!?!? WELL THEN YOU MUST BE AN IDIOT! OR YOU’RE SEAN WOODS WHO REFUSES TO WATCH ANYTHING TARANTINO TOUCHES FOR FEAR THAT HE MIGHT LIKE IT WHICH WOULD THEN CONFLICT WITH HIS DEEP-SEATED(and unfounded) HATRED FOR QUENTIN TARANTINO!! Anywho, in the scene a mob boss (Ronald Walken), and a dude dressed like a character from Fargo(Dennis Hopper, RIP) have a showdown. This isn’t just some exchanging of words either. This is an old school showdown with guns and beer and whores, only instead of guns and beers and whores its just words. The mob boss is all like, “Where’s your son, dude?? He owes me money cuz he killed Gary Oldman n shit!” and then Fargo’s all like “Nooooooo way son! I haven’t seen him in years!” This is a lie because he just saw his son 8 minutes prior. Mob Boss then says, “Hey, yo, you’re lying and I can tell cuz I just can,” to which Fargo says “Your grandparents are black!” This is when I was all like, “Oooooooh SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! No he DIDN’T!!” But he DID. He soooooooo did. Then mob boss shoots him to death. It’s fucking crazy.
5. Dennis Hopper was told that he was going to die. What does he do about it?? Divorce his wife. That’s bad-ass. Super serious.
You will not be forgotten, Mr. Hopper. You will always be immortalized in the public consciousness as a synonym for bad-assery, even if you are doomed to die an 80 pound shell of a man with no…..oh shit Futurama is on AGAIN! It’s one with Clamps! Fuck this, I’m done like a………bun?