Philadelphia Film Fest Review: Hesher

HOOOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOLY SHIT, I LOVED "Hesher"! Not just loved in that "Wow! What a movie!" kinda way, but loved in that "this movie will forever own a piece of my soul, even if it treats me poorly or hits me(which it probably would)" kinda way. It certainly didn't hurt that the screening was scheduled almost immediately after the oh-so-disappointing "High School", and it REALLY didn't hurt that the movie was FUCKING AWESOME!!!!AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! IM SCREAMING!

"Hesher" is the story of a family in ruins. Having just suffered the loss of his mother, our young hero(?) TJ is not coping well. His father, Paul(played BRILLIANTLY by Rainn Wilson) is frustrated, defeated, and relying on pills to ease his pain. The rock of their family comes in the form of the grandmother, Madeleine(Piper Laurie, who has immersed herself in thie role almost to the point of non-recognition), who wants nothing more than to be noticed by her family.

TJ is feeling rebellious and angry and decides to take it out on a random window. He smashes the glass and is immediately introduced to the true hero of the movie, Hesher. Hesher(Joseph Gordon Levitt in yet another role that proves he will be remembered as one of the greats) is a mystery. On the surface he looks like your average heavy metal-er: skinny, dirty, and tatooed all over his body. Underneath his exterior is a...well..I'm not sure. I do know that he's a deep guy, just not sure how deep. We don't know where he's from, how he got to be the way he is, or how he has managed to stay out of jail. We do know that he appears to have no family, no friends, and a dirty old van that he probably lives in. Hesher doesn't give a fuck about rules. Hesher doesn't give a fuck about watching his mouth. Hesher smokes like a chimney, listens to heavy metal, and gets off on confrontation and property destruction.

Hesher immediately invites himself to move in with TJ and his family(literally by coming inside, sitting down, and not leaving), and despite his disgustingly crass behavior, seems to fit in. Hesher's insistence upon doing whatever the fuck he feels like brings a feeling of normalcy and calm to a tumultuous family situation. TJ and his father quietly accept his presence, while Madeleine is enamored with his youthful(to her) exuberance. Enter Nicole(Natalie Portman, acting Oh-so-girl-next-door-like) to play the polar opposite of Hesher. Nicole is a loner with a mysterious past, much like Hesher. Unlike Hesher, however, her apparently troubled history has manifested itself in a soft-spoken kindness that also strikes a chord with young TJ. These two opposing mentor characters naturally attract, drawing Hesher, Nicole, and TJ into a powerfully disfunctional(and sometimes very comic) trio.
The film progesses with Hesher causing trouble, Nicole and TJ escaping the trouble, and then TJ and his family reluctantly learning something from it. It sounds predictable. It's not. Not that there are any surprises, it's just that the narrative of this movie has such a unique life to it.
"Hesher," much like it's titular character is rude, dirty, vulgar, and surprisingly brutal(you should see the beatings that young TJ takes at the hands of reckless bike rides), all the while being deep, and moralistic at heart. I can't wait to buy it and show everybody why I've been freaking out about this movie after having seen it alone at the festival. I NEED to talk to someone about this little monster, but I really can't capture the feel of this terribly unique film without saying more than I'd like.

God damn I loved this movie.

What I liked about it:
-JGL in the mo' fucking HIZ-ouse! The dude creates such a unique character with Hesher, and effectively makes you forget that its JGL behind the METAL!
-Rainn Wilson did the opposite of what he's known to do. He plays his character straight, leaving every ounce of hammy-ness on the side, only allowing his silly demeanor to ooze through ever so slightly in his mannerisms. It's brilliant. Gah!
-Devin Brochu(TJ) is an actor that I have never seen before, and only once since(in the delightfully odd "Rubber"), but despite his youth and lack of experience, he captures what its like to be a rambunctious adolescent boy. Fuck that kid from "Where the Wild Things Are". I did like that movie, but the lead was pretty unlikable throughout. Brochu is at all times likable and genuine. Also, as i've mentioned, his character takes a beating and it looks as if he may have done his own stunts, but don't quote me on it.
-The quick heavy metal music cues that punch into your ears whenever Hesher appears.
-The best bully comeuppance I think I've ever seen.
-Old ladies smoking bongs will never not be fun to watch.
-Piper Laurie played such a beautiful character. She reminded me of my very recently departed grandmother(love you Nana), and showed me a small window into what it must feel like living into one's 80s. It is truly a great performance of a very nicely written character.
-The fact that I saw this movie before any of my idiot friends, giving me ample time to overhype it, leaving them underwhelmed. I'm sick and this is fun for me.

What I didn't like about it:
-The fact that I saw this movie before any of my idiot friends, giving me ample time to overhype it, leaving them underwhelmed.
-Nothing. Even the sappy ending has a hard enough edge to keep me satisfied.

Would this movie have benefitted from Tom Hanks?
In such a perfectly cast movie, with so few characters, it would be hard to squeeze him in, buuuuuuuuuuuut I'm never above a little T to the Hanks, so maybe he could have been used as an extra. He might have worked in the role of the car impound lot manager, but since you don't know who that is, it makes no difference. Of course an alternate version with Hanks AS Hesher might be worth sinking a few millions into(this would be shot entirely for my entertainment, since releasing a remake to theaters would be a sin against humanity).

If this were a musical, what would be the title song?
It would play out in the style of a rock-opera, only much heavier. The title would be "Hey! Rock YOU!"

Going into the movie what did I expect?
To quote my friend who scooped me on the movie(and then couldn't come see it): "Duuuuude it's about some heavy metal dude that fucks shit up and sets fires and stuff. Its supposed to be funny but dude get this.....the heavy metal guy, ya know, Hesher, is played by, dude wait for it......JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT!" that is all I knew, and as a result I expected to see the best movie ever.

Were my expectations met?
Yes, which is such a metal thing for a movie to do.

My review for the box:
"This movie made me want to go see this movie again!"

So long credibility...10 out of 10!!!!

Philadelphia Film Fest Review: High School

'High School' is the only movie from the Philadelphia Film Festival that I straight up did NOT like. This is very odd for me considering that I like everything, and its very VERY hard to fuck up a "stoner movie". 'High School' is not without some very funny gags, but the gags that are worth noting a very few and far between.

The plot is qutie original: Upon watching the star student fail miserably in the spelling bee, due to her being too stoned to do anything but giggle, the principal(played by an utterly TERRIBLE Michael Chiklis) decides that it is his duty to crack down on use of marijuana in his school, and institutes a mandatory drug test, failure of which results in immediate expulsion. This does not bode well for our hero(Adventureland's blaaaaaaaaaaand Matt Bush) who, despite being a straight A, clean cut, model student, has just dabbled in the devil's harvest for the first time. Staring expulsion straight in the face, he decides to do what any young whipper-snapper would do...steal weed from a local dealer(Adrien Brody, the saving grace of this movie), bake enough pot-brownies to get the entire school high (GET IT?!?!?!? HIGH SCHOOL! HA! HIIIIIIIIIIIGH SCHOOL. You really don't get it do you?), and deliver them to the school's conveniently scheduled bake sale, thusly nullifying the results of all drug tests. What follows is essentially a 90 minute montage of what would happen if an entire school's worth of students and faculty were extremely stoned without knowing it.

Ya, its pretty high(guh!) concept, but a good one nonetheless. This movie should write itself from here on out.

It doesn't. From this point, the movie unfolds like every other movie ever.
The lead and his buddy run around school witnessing inaccurate stoner antics, all the while avoiding the evil principal, another star student who is competing for valedictorian, and a drug dealer. Then the movie ends.

To me, the quintessential stoner movie is "Pineapple Express", which is less about the weed itself, and more about the characters and how their lives are affected by their drug of choice. "High School" is all about the weed itself, and its physical effects on the characters. Sure it tries to be about the characters, but it fails at doing so since all of them are either underwritten or simply unlikeable. Also, for a movie to focus on the effects of marijuana, it should try to at least make it believable. In movies like "Rolling Kansas", "Harold and Kumar Do Some Shit", and "Pineapple Express", being stoned is represented rather accurately, highlighting the bonding experience of a good smoke, riffing on the hilarity of paranoia, and poking fun at some pretty accurate stoner-cliches, all the while avoiding a "square" perspective. Conversely, the characters in "High School" act as if they are inebriated in a much different way. None of these characters act stoned. Instead they act the way a 55 year old mom who has never tried anything but a cabernet would expect someone to act while they're stoned. I'm not trying to say I'm some pro at getting fucked up, but being stoned is NOTHING like being drunk or tripping on hallucinogens. The squares will tell you different. The affected characters act as if they have imbibed copious amounts of both booze and acid, running around in insane confusion, drooling on themselves, getting lost,and being unable to function properly in any way. All I could think of was the scene in "Transformers 2: Revenge of My Fucking Butthole", in which Shoe LaBoo's mom accidentally eats a pot-brownie and proceeds to act like a complete motard, rolling in the grass and yelling non-sentences.

Also, Colin Hanks is in it. This neither enhances nor hurts the film.

Alright, let's profile this thing...

What I liked about it:
-Adrien Brody plays an incredibly intense drug dealer who is, at all times, paranoid, hilarious, and terrifying...just like any good real-life dealer.
-Chiklis has hair for the first time since his appearance on Seinfeld, which is nice.
-Chiklis' son is played by the fat kid from Bad Santa. Smile.
-Andrew Wilson(the lost Wilson) plays one of Brody's cronies. He has very few lines, but is always the draw of each shot he is in. With Luke Wilson gaining 80 lbs and selling out to AT&T, and Owen Wilson attempting life-suicide and comitting career-suicide, I can only hope that one day Andrew will restore the Wilson brand.
-It made me realize that I'm a much funnier person than anyone involved in this movie, which gave me hope that I will one day succeed.
-To be fair, there were a few funny parts, such as a mushroom trip scene that made me howl. I just don't care.

What I did NOT like about it:
-The leads are horrendously unlikable, and had no chemistry. One is a pussy, and the other a loudmouth shit with no redeeming qualities. These characters are supposed to be former friends that have grown apart, as elementary school friends often do when they reach high school, and are now thrust into a bonding situation. I guess they're supposed to realize that in the end, they're not all that different after all. They DO realize this at some point, but for no logical reason. As I watched this friendship "develop", I could only root for them to decide against bonding, hopefully realizing that despite the tendency for opposites to attract, these two are destined to destroy one another.
-The lead and the romantic interest do not exchange more than one line for the ENTIRE movie. When they inevitably hook up(uh, spoiler?), I had to rack my brain to remember who this young woman even was.
-The ending is one of the biggest "I was bad but now I'm good because of nothing" switchovers since Russell Crowe went nicey in "3:10 to Yuma". I hate when this happens. So do you.
-The archetypal 'nerd-go-getter-who-wants-to-bring-down-the-lead' is such a poorly written character. He seems to show up intermittently whenever the writers needed to fill another page. His subplot is dropped for large chunks of the movie and is resurrected in small, painfully unfunny showdowns between he and the lead. He's an empty template and is probably the only thing in this movie thats worse than Michael Chiklis.
-The lead has a black eye. It looks horrifically fake. It's clearly just a smudge of eye-liner. Yes, I know this is a low budget affair, but I could create a muuuuuch better effect with NO budget. Seriously, the kid looks like he just got booted from a Green Day Audition(buuuhZING!) not hit in the eye(lolz!)
-Michael Chiklis. This is odd. Usually I enjoy Chiklis. I think he's very talented. His name reminds me of the gum, Chiclets. Buuuuuut, he SUCKS in this movie. His character is almost supernaturally unreasonable, and sooooo unfunny(like soooooooooooooooooooooooo unfunny. Really bad). While it is fair to say that this movie takes place in an alternate reality where kids could manufacture and successfully complete a plan to dose an entire school in a matter of hours, it still seems highly unlikely that a character like this guy could ever be the principal of a school. He's the worst at everything. Although in the Q&A sesh with the producer it was revealed that Chiklis wrote and performed the entire closing credit score, which is a total rock and roll festival of pure metal(its not). From what I could tell, he's got to be pretty technically good at playing multiple instruments. That's neat. I thoroughly enjoy picturing Chiklis all alone in his recording studio beating up instruments and having creative flashes of brilliance all in the name of "High School"

Would this movie have benefitted from Tom Hanks?
Yes, but Tom Hanks would not have benefitted from this movie. Colin Hanks could barely make it work, and he's a carrier of the 'T-Cell'(that which grants Tom Hanks his powers. Note also, that Forrest Whittaker has a small T-cell infection in his eye, which bestows him the power to evoke emotion from even the most stone-hearted critic. No one knows how he attained this infection).

If it were a musical, what would be the title song?
It would be a 'Glee'-style reimagining of "One Toke Over the Line"...and if this movie were to suddenly become a musical midway through it's running time, it would have introduced enough of a bizzaro mentality to make the flaws in this movie slightly more tolerable. Unlike "Cheech and Chong" or "Harold and Kumar", both of which take place in colorful alternate worlds, "High School" makes the mistake of being unable to suspend my disbelief enough to buy into any of it for too long.

Going into the movie, what did I expect?
I expected to be laughing my ass off a considerable amount throughout the running time. I also expected to feel proud of having seen this movie before all of my friends.

Were my expectations met?
No. I barely knew anything about this flick before setting into the theater(I like to go into the festival mostly blind). Still I was let down. Sparsely funny, filled with bland or snide characters, and coated in the feeling that it was written by an oldhead who'd lost touch with his youth, "High School" was not one for me to brag about to my friends. I'm sure I'll catch it one day on TV in the future and I'll enjoy kinda paying attention to it.

My review for the box:
"Now this is a movie! Literally, it is a movie. Not a very good movie, but it fits the definition"

5.5 out of 10

I'm turning OLD this week!

Holy shit. I am an old man. I've reached that age where I care about two things: My wife(who I've grown to hate), and my lawn(which I will die to defend). Sadly, even though I've reached this age, I have neither a lawn, nor a wife. Although, if I had these things, I'd have probably buried one within the other by now.
Yes, people. I'd have murdered my whore wife, and buried her in my glorious lawn. Dumb whore. Just HAD to screw your way to the top didn't you. Lot of good that did you huh? That's right, you've got NOTHING to say. Mostly because you're dead! Don't worry, my precious lawn, I'll put the grass right back where it was.


Sorry. Got a bit off topic there didn't I? It's ok. I'm an old man and these things happen. Where did I begin? Ah yes! I'm old. On Sunday I will be turning 26! That's a quarter century plus one year! That's a season of "24" plus two episodes of the next season! That's the evil number from "The Number 23"'s older brother! Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because I'M FUCKING 26!!


This is a momentous occasion! Not only have I graced all of you with my presence for the better part of half a century, but I have survived on this horrible planet amongst a population of complete idiots for just as long.
No one thought I could do it. "You'll be dead by the time you're 25!" they all said. "If you don't go off and die, I'll kill you myself!" they often yelled. But here I am, in the flesh! Still kicking around this shithole like the goddamned genius I am. Thusly, we must celebrate!
I will be celebrating my birthday by seeing the one-and-only Sir Paul McFuckingCartney in concert, but then there's you. How will you, loyal reader, celebrate the shining light in your life(me)?
I'll tell you how. By buying me things. Buying me things that I love. Allow me to offer you some suggestions:

MONEY

All of it. Not that I'm not richer than you'll ever be, but who doesn't love more money? So give me some of that sweet, sweet cash.

CARS

I'm partial to fast sports cars, but I'll gladly take a gas guzzling SUV emblazoned with pictures of American flags and crumbling ecosystems. If you can't get me either of these options, I'll gladly settle for a helicopter with machine guns (and they's better have laser-sights. I'm not a fucking child)

YOUR MOM

Although I've been sleeping with your mom for years now, I have no proof. But if you were to arrange this meeting, I could then shove it in your face for years to come. All the while blessing you with the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing my seed has swam around in your gene pool.

BOOZE

Champagne, microbrews, and whiskey. If you bring me Miller Lite or anything similar, I will have no problem water-boarding you until you plead homosexuality. If you bring me Bud Light Golden Wheat(aka Liquid Sadness) I will gladly mix shards of glass into your shampoo. I will laugh because you deserve it. Golden Wheat is truly the worst thing to happen to humanity since The Fray.

THE NEW iPHONE

I waaaaaaaaaaaaant it. Plus, you can then video chat with me and make your life better(sexier).

YOUR BODY

This applies to the LADIES ONLY. If you wish to offer me your body(which I can't see why you wouldn't), just get into this long ass line and I will be with you shortly to determine your worth(based entirely upon looks, so even if you have a shit personality, don't get discouraged).

FOOD

I'm on the verge of once again becoming a vegetarian, so before then I'd like to try any of these exotic meats.....ahem. Grizzly bear, Cheetah, Lion, Panther, Meerkat, Rosario Dawson, Loch Ness Monster, Hobbit, Cthulu, Tiger, Phoenix, Griffin, Peacock, Penguin, Dragon, Ghost, Zombie(little taste of your own medicine, bitch!), Hippo, Velociraptor, Manatee, Seal(baby), elephant, Godzilla, Silverback Gorilla, Robot, Panda, Robot-panda, Koala, Bald Eagle, Neematoad, Walrus, Bottle-nosed Dolphin, Tasmanian Devil, Bat, Space-carp.
Most of these meats can be found at reasonable prices from this site:
www.google.com

GUNS

I don't discriminate. Just buy me guns. Although, if I HAD to pick one, it would be a laser cannon that can also shoot poop at my enemies. Whose poop? YOUR POOP!

A HATTORI HANZO SWORD

How else do you expect me to Kill Bill? Plus, If you're gonna compare a Hanzo sword, you compare it to every other sword ever made... that wasn't made by Hattori Hanzo.

A SANCTIONED BOXING MATCH AGAINST MUHAMMAD ALI

Not so tough without your motor skills, are ya? I AM THE GREATEST.

A CHANCE TO PLAY THE NEXT BATMAN...AND JOKER

How will I be better than Christian Bale? By not screaming every line like I'm on fire and just ran forty miles to talk to you about it. How will I be better than Heath Ledger? By reading the dosage properly.

SPIDERMAN'S POWERS FOR ONE WEEK

Cuz let's face it. Any longer than that and I might become a total egotist.

A CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE MY OWN FARTS

My farts smell very good. The worse they smell to you, the better they smell to me. Nature is cool.

A TIME MACHINE

For time-traveling. Duh. Also, it's really my only hope of getting my hands on "Gray's Sports Almanac.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS

Just tell them who it's for(me), and you should have no problem getting them to comply. I am awesome.

Thank you for reading my requests. Remember, my happiness is good for the nation, and with such meager and reasonable requests, you should be able to easily make me happy.
But until then GET OFF OF MY LAWN YOU RABBLE-ROUSING, NO GOODNIK KIDS!

I now own a record player and collect vinyl

Hello! Just wanted to let the world know that I now own a record player and I now collect vinyl. Why, you ask? Well, I have three reasons!
1. I'm better than you
2. You're not as good as me
3. On a scale of one to ten(ten being the best), I'd be ten and you'd be somewhere below that

I'm going to go listen to it now.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wrasslin'

We've all seen the ladies wrestling in KY Jelly. We've all seen the ladies wrestling in mud. This is old ass news, bitches. You wanna be sexy, you had better get creative! Here's a list of things that I think it would be sexy for all of you ladies to wrestle in.



-Cream of mushroom soup(condensed, allowing more glops)
-Newspapers(the ink run-off will look like bruises)
-Cats(mrrrrowr!)
-Guacamole(the fresher the better!)
-Rocks(no using the rocks as weapons! Blood isn't very sexy. Just a little)
-Nesquik
-Ovaltine(this is NOT redundant! Nesquik is VERY different and if you disagree you are not worth listening to!)
-Wheaties(crunch, crunch, crunch!)
-Crushed ice(Nips!)
-Poops(this is definitely not sexy, but I'd love to add "I just watched naked chicks wrestling in poops" to my story repertoire)
-Eggs(removed from the shell and raw...for protein)
-Tortilla chips(maybe adjacent to the guacamole ring? I'm feeling a Cinco de Mayo fiesta could benefit greatly from this idea)



Are the gears turning, ladies??? Feel free to submit your own ideas to this list. Also, feel free to throw a party involving any of these ideas. Furthermore(also), feel free to invite me.
Before I go, allow me to enlighten you to THE. SEXIEST. THING. FOR. LADIES. TO. WRESTLE. IN.
::drumroll::
-Other Ladies



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Living Dead Volume 1

Ah, the wonders of celebrity! Out of the billions of people doomed to die on this death-ship we call Earth, a few thousand get to taste that syrupy nectar called fame. Some achieve this status through their talents, while some inherit it from the loins of their talented(see: rich) parents. Some simply fuck a famous person on tape(HA! What the fuck is a tape?!?) and become famous themselves. Others are called The Kardashians. Still, anyway you slice it, the rest of us obsess over the minute details of the gilded lives of these blessed few. More important than the life of the famous person, however, is the death of the famous person. A celebrity’s demise can make(Heath Ledger) or break(David Carradine) them. All I know is that when a beloved or infamous star finally kicks the bucket, it can knock even the most important news to the bottom of the queue. This year we’ve already lost some famous folk-Peter Graves, Robert Culp, Corey Haim-but who are we going to lose in the next few months? In this segment I’d like to highlight the lives of the people who will die this year.
The Living Dead Volume One:
BILL COSBY

Hey Jell-O Pudding, time to get a new spokesman, because yours is dead! Thuh poo-daaang and thuh Jillo jigglerrrzzz are so delicious that I wooooooooooooo(say that in a classic Coz voice and you’ll get it). Bill Cosby is a comedic legend. A LEGEND. One of the funniest people to ever live, Bill Cosby was able to take the ins and outs of family life and lampoon it in a squeaky clean, yet cleverly subversive way. He was also the inventor of black-guy-crazy-eyes, an oft-used, yet never mastered comedic technique. I frequently try to use black-guy-crazy-eyes in my comedy, but usually end up delivering sexy-guy-cool-pools-of-dreamy-blue eyes. Not as funny. But still, the ladies love it. LOVE IT!
It’s a shame that Bill Cosby is dead, because now we will never get to see “Leonard Part 7”, the long awaited sequel to “Ghost Dad”. I’m trying to remember the plot of “Ghost Dad” and I’ve pieced together three scenes that I can remember in some capacity.
1. There’s definitely a scene where the ghost of Dad first manifests himself in front of his family. He wants to talk to them, but can’t because there’s some type of supernatural catch 22. When the lights are on, he can bee seen, but not heard. When the lights are off, he can be heard but not seen(theres a “black guys at night” joke here, but I’m not going to be the guy who makes it). This situation is remedied by Ghost Dad (henceforth referred to as “Ghost Dad”) flying up to some sort of heaven, speaking to an old man in an office and then everything is ok. This might not be true, but it’s all that I can remember, and I take a lot of Quaaludes(I’d like to note that the word processing software that I’m using saw fit for Quaaludes to be capitalized. This is funny)
2. I remember a scene late in the movie where Ghost Dad’s daughter falls down a staircase and becomes Ghost Daughter. I don’t remember the full details(ludes), but it seems that when this happened, we as the viewing audience were supposed to feel a sense of relief, since the daughter was now granted Ghost Powers IE: Flight, Spooky Voice, Lazer Eyes, Shapeshifting, Fire-hands. This seems to be a sketchy morality, but seeing as when I saw this flick I was a 9 year old who stole Quaaludes from his uncle’s chest of drawers, my morality was skewed to begin with.
3. This scene I can remember clear as day. I’m sure all of you can remember it clear as day too, since it was the main scene from the trailer, as well as the only scene with any sort of comedic merit. It was shortly after Dad died and became Ghost Dad that he found himself in the middle of the road, completely unaware of the fact that he is dead. He turns to his right(left?? LUDES) and finds himself face to face with an oncoming bus! UH-OH! He’s gonna die!!!!!! Oh wait! HE’S ALREADY DEAD!!!!!! Hilaaaaaaaaaaaarious!!!! But instead of running Ghost Dad over and killing him(reminder: he’s dead) the bus simply goes right though him. Ghost Dad is dumbfounded(he’s convinced he’s still merely Dad)! We, as the viewers, are treated to an inside look to Ghost Dad’s POV(yay screenplay software!). Not only is Ghost Dad seeing the inside of the bus, but his face is about to collide with an old lady’s crotch that is positioned at eye level! Look out, Ghost Dad, you’re about to get some geriatric vagina to the face! PRIME COMEDY MATERIAL. Instead, Ghost Dad goes right through it (cuz he’s a ghost) and we, as viewers, are not treated with an inside view of the reproductive system of an octogenarian.
Oh Bill Cosby, we will miss you so. Remember when you were on “I, Spy”? I don’t! It happened before I was born! I DO remember the film version of “I, Spy” starring Eddie Murphy as you. This was such a cinematic abortion that I thought it was directed by Tyler Perry. I’ve never seen the original show, but I imagine that comparing the movie to the source material is like comparing AIDS to a night of unbridled, passionate sex with Salma Hayek. Oh shit! Futurama is on! Fuck my blog! I’m outie like clam-chowdie!


DENNIS HOPPER


This is OBVIOUS. He’s dead. The dude looks like a fetus that was aborted on Tuesday and left in the sun until Saturday. Last I heard, Dennis Hopper weighed 80 pounds, gave up on medical treatment, and decided to star in a television version of “Crash”. This man is at the end. The end of THE GREATEST LIFE EVER. Dennis Hopper is famous for doing shit-tons of acid, acting like a general asshole, and looking so bad-fucking-ass doing it that he deserves every ounce of our love.
Why Dennis Hopper is(was) the best:
1. Easy Rider-Motorcycles and acid, the breakfast of champions(Hunter S. Thompson)
2. At the end of Speed, right before his head gets knocked off he tells Keanu Reeves the most obvious thing ever. “I’m smarter than you!” He is. So is my shoe. But Dennis Hopper wasn’t afraid to say it. On top of a train. He also wasn’t afraid to put a bomb on the newly crowned Oscar winner, Sandra Bullock(sidenote: why is everyone shocked that her husband Jesse James cheated on her? Has anyone ever met one of those dudes that “tricks out” motorcycles? They are ALWAYS assholes. They are ALWAYS the tattooed offspring of crackwhores, who fucked what they thought was a sexy animal at a hoedown that turned out just to be some son of a crackwhore who also fucked some guy at a hoedown that they thought was an animal)
3. He performed on a Gorillaz track. So bad ass. His voice sounds all raw and tattered. Turns out it was throat cancer, but it certainly sounded bad ass at the time. It was some story about a group of island people worshipping a volcano. I think. I don’t really know for sure, nor do I care. It was awesome, but I’m not about to go dig it up. This is a blog, not a research paper.
4. Probably the greatest thing about Dennis Hopper, is his famous cinematic showdown with another scenery-devouring motherfuck, Christopher Walken (whose name is actually Ronald. No lie), in a classic Tarantino scripted, Tony Scott directed, thriller/love story, “True Romance”. I think we’re all familiar with this powerhouse of a scene! YOU’RE NOT?!?!?!?!?!? WELL THEN YOU MUST BE AN IDIOT! OR YOU’RE SEAN WOODS WHO REFUSES TO WATCH ANYTHING TARANTINO TOUCHES FOR FEAR THAT HE MIGHT LIKE IT WHICH WOULD THEN CONFLICT WITH HIS DEEP-SEATED(and unfounded) HATRED FOR QUENTIN TARANTINO!! Anywho, in the scene a mob boss (Ronald Walken), and a dude dressed like a character from Fargo(Dennis Hopper, RIP) have a showdown. This isn’t just some exchanging of words either. This is an old school showdown with guns and beer and whores, only instead of guns and beers and whores its just words. The mob boss is all like, “Where’s your son, dude?? He owes me money cuz he killed Gary Oldman n shit!” and then Fargo’s all like “Nooooooo way son! I haven’t seen him in years!” This is a lie because he just saw his son 8 minutes prior. Mob Boss then says, “Hey, yo, you’re lying and I can tell cuz I just can,” to which Fargo says “Your grandparents are black!” This is when I was all like, “Oooooooh SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!! No he DIDN’T!!” But he DID. He soooooooo did. Then mob boss shoots him to death. It’s fucking crazy.
5. Dennis Hopper was told that he was going to die. What does he do about it?? Divorce his wife. That’s bad-ass. Super serious.
You will not be forgotten, Mr. Hopper. You will always be immortalized in the public consciousness as a synonym for bad-assery, even if you are doomed to die an 80 pound shell of a man with no…..oh shit Futurama is on AGAIN! It’s one with Clamps! Fuck this, I’m done like a………bun?

New Endings to Old Jokes

Everyone likes a classic joke, but don't stop me if you've heard this one, because it's going to end differently than you might think. Unless, of course, you are awesome. Here we go!!!

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to buy an elephant gun

How many Polish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. You're a fucking racist

A priest, a rabbi, and a cop walk into a bar. I left the bar because I hate God and am pretty angry at most cops.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Nothing. It is impossible for them to breed.

How many Mexicans does it take to mow a lawn?
Just one, but he'll probably bring like 12 friends/family members and they'll work for a flat rate so you might as well get it done quickly.

What does a 500 pound gorilla eat?
Bananas

What do you call a black guy in a suit?
His name. You are so racist.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Joe
Joe who?
Joe Smith

What happens when you play a country song backwards?
It makes funny noises

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing

Knock knock
Who's there?
Jane
Jane who?
Jane Smith, my husband said he was headed this way a few jokes ago and I haven't seen him.

Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because he was blind.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't care

What do gay horses eat?
Horse feed

What do you call a girl who you just knocked up?
You don't

What did the Mexican fireman name his kids?
I don't know

There's a black guy and a Hispanic guy in a car. Who's driving?
I guess whoever owns the car. You are so racist dude


Hey everybody! Here's a joke for LOST fans:
What's Desmonds favorite pasta??
PENNE!!!!

Sorry about that last one. There's really no outlet for a good LOST joke, but hopefully you get what I'm going for here. Stay tuned, I've got some heavier, more relevant pieces coming up!!!

Since I've been drinking and it's 430 in the am and I had a killer show tonight, I see no problem with separating myself from the original narrative to say this:
"Temptation Greets you Like Your Naughty Friend" is an amazing song. It's by The Arctic Monkeys and it will rock your face. Go buy the cd (who am I kidding. Just download it. But then go see these guys live. They deserve your money as well as mine)

Goodnight world!
Coming soon: "The Living Dead: Who Will Die This Year and Why"

I'd like to also note that the photo at the top of this post is, quite possibly the best photo ever taken of me.

And I'd very much like to mention(to the dismay of Jeff Soles) that I saw a trailer for an animated movie about warrior-owls that featured the WORST song I have ever heard. It's by 30 Seconds to Mars but you wouldn't know it from a new Green Day song. It's THAT bad.
And "Step Up 3D" can eat my naughty parts.

2009: A year in review PART 2: Attack of the Clones

Ok, finally. Here it is. I've narrowed down my top 5 favorite things about 2009.


5. My favorite band, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” finally hit it big with their song “FreeCreditReport.com”



Arguably the catchiest pop tune of the year, “FreeCreditReport.com” has captured the ears and CapitalOne accounts of young and old alike. “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” went from a bunch of lazy jerk-offs with bad credit, to being the biggest thing since sliced Jesus, and they did so practically overnight. I remember seeing these guys as a lame Renaissance Faire band wayyyyy back in the day when they were underground. I also seem to remember having the singer as my waiter at my favorite pirate restaurant (I watched him and his band get chewed out and fired by their manager for turning the kitchen into a “disturbing musical brouhaha”). Little did I know that these young whippersnappers would soon outshine the likes of Paul McCartney, Sinead O’ Connor, The Verve Pipe, and Ernest P. Worrell.
Most bands who endure a meteoric rise(don’t meteors go down? I dunno) to fame soon suffer from either a stinging fan backlash, internal strife with band members, or they just fade away into nothingness, gone from the charts faster than they arrived. The only way an artist can avoid this is by creating a body of consistently dazzling work. Not to be destroyed by their own potent rockitude, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” were able to follow their smash hit with yet another piece of golden plated harmony entitled “Schools OnDemand”. The face of rock has been changed. And daddy like. Daddy like a lot.
Interested in hearing more of “The Stupid Fucking Assholes”? Just tune into television at any time of any day on any channel.

4. Obama assumes the presidency and fixes everything over the course of one week.



January 20th, 2009 is a day that will be remembered forever. For that was the day that everyones favwite widdle pwesident, George W. Bush, left office after 8 years of destroying terrorism with an iron fist and balls made of taxes and red white and blue and rocknroll and trucks and heavy metal guitar riffs and torturing people and flying jets and killing aliens and competing in tournaments and punching babies and shootin guns and killing Nazis and power tools and fighting gangs and doggy style and army of one and smoking weed with Harold and Kumar and THESE COLORS DO NOT RUN!
This bumbling little rich kid bumbled and riched soooooooo much, that America was suddenly ready to elect a black dude. A new day has come! Now I’m guessing the decision was made easier for most Americans by the fact that Obama is not very black. If there was a check list with 20 bullet points that make you black, he’d have the bare minimum checked off (Black wife- check, Not white- check, Takes it to the hole from dooooowntown-check). Still, this was a huge step forward for race relations in our country and it seemed that all our problems would be fixed.
Little did we know…
They WOULD BE fixed!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Using his mutant ability to convert the sun’s rays into powerful beams of peace and wealth, President Obama turned America into a smooth-talking, head-bowing, peace machine. Within a week, universal healthcare was granted to every person on the planet, yes PLANET. Within merely the first few days of the Obama administration terrorism disappeared because Al-Qaeda members were too busy kissing babies and respecting women. Suddenly, our ozone not only mended its hole, but grew to be stronger than it ever has been. Animals learned to talk and told us of a new way to protect forests (I won’t get into details but involves ‘apps’). White people learned to dance. Black people learned to tip. Chinese people learned to drive. Italians learned to be trustworthy. Cuba got a baseball team. Cars are fueled by happiness (which exists in droves!). Monsters became our friends. Free Gatorade for everyone.
And from this point forward, there will never, ever be any sort of problem with anything. God Bless America.
Dear world, you’re fucking welcome. Love always but not really, America.

3. LOST introduced time-travel, thusly securing it’s status as the bestest thing ever.




Ask yourself, what is the coolest thing on the planet? That’s right. Me. But being the coolest thing on the planet, it is up to me to determine what things are as cool as me. From my ivory tower (well-deserved, mind you) I have determined that the coolest thing besides myself is time-travel. The third coolest thing is LOST.
2009 brought us season 5 of LOST. Season 5 of LOST brought us TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Warning, here comes some spoilers). At the end of season 4, John Locke decided it would be a good idea to “move” the island. Ok, so it was Ben’s idea, but Ben is a fag and you can’t trust him so I’m giving credit to Locke. The island disappears right in front of our eyes (WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but it hasn’t changed location in space, it changed location in TIME! Holy shit! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!! Now we’ve got half of our castaways stuck in the 70s and the other half stuck back at home with the increasingly insufferable Jack (played by a piece of wood carved to look like Matthew Fox). Shit starts blowing up, Hurley invents Yahoo, Ben grows up to become Kevin Spacey, and Sayid tortures the space-time continuum with a car battery. We run into characters as kids, Jack and Kate finally fuck, and Jack and Sawyer beat the fucking hell out of one another. It’s so bad ass. And at the end of it all, Juliet(the girl who dyked it out with Angelina Jolie in ‘Gia’) blows up the 70s. What are we to do??
Season 6 premieres in 2 weeks and I have a few predictions:
1. Jack will act like a bitch
2. Sawyer will scowl at things
3. Locke’s old man breasts will distract me from the plot
4. Sayid will refuse to torture ever again ever ever ever.
5. Sayid will torture at least 35 people
6. Sayid will attempt to torture a few more people, but get distracted from his mission by a new potential list of torture victims
7. Sayid will be denied a torture session
8. Sayid will react by torturing someone
9. Kate will have long arms
10. Hurley will call someone dude/be fat
11. Michelle Rodriguez will return from the dead
12. Michelle Rodriguez will die
13. The island will be magic.
14. Sayid will torture the island with a car battery (he’ll find the car battery in a cave. It was left there by him in the 70s when he was torturing the cave. Go time travel!)
Stay tuned. I’m sure I’ll have some blog commentary as the new season unfolds.

2. Bonnaroo music festival.


I went to Bonnaroo. It was the greatest week of my life. Music, sex, drugs, murder, rape, DJHero, fountains, ferris wheels, gas stoves, nitrous balloons, hippies, criminals, nudity, green-man, sunshine, sunburn, fire shows, seeing bands, meeting bands, seeing comedians, meeting comedians, eating alligator, motels, tents, Nazis, velociraptors, Lycans, Ben Roethlisberger(sp?), Glenn Close, fuse tv, Triumph. Most of these things are at Bonnaroo. I dare you to pick out the false entries.
Highlights:
Waiting an hour to see Triumph the insult comic dog. Wrong line. Never made it in.
Dancing in the fountain to NWA
Coheed and Cambria throwing water bottles into the crowd despite Bonnaroo’s “bottles are wasteful” policy
Eating gator tail cuz the guy behind the counter sprayed me with a hose
Kangaroo Jerky
Hiding from the rain and watching the lightning
Maintaining my cool while everyone in the car was vomiting
Watching cops mounted on horses tackle nitrous dealers
Making the crowd laugh during the Beastie Boys by yelling “Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon”
I really should devote another entry in my blog to this wondrous event. It was THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. Everyone should go. If you don’t go at least once, you will not be living a full life. It’s a fact that you suck if you miss it.
BTW Alligator is delicious. Also, when it comes to music festivals, the population is usually inundated with the most worthless people on the planet: hippies. I’m not talking about fun flower children, I’m talking about dirty bums who are more interested in the drugs than the music. Luckily there’s not many of them here. Bonnaroo tends to attract a wide variety of people. The melting pot of tastes and types is friggin beautiful. Just go. GO!

1. Antichrist!! The CRAZIEST MOVIE EVER, is released.



MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW
Lars Von Trier, everyone’s favorite nudist European filmmaker, made a truly, madly, deeply(!) challenging movie. I can’t tell you what happens, largely because I don’t know. It makes no sense. But I get it. I know what Von Trier was going for, even though I don’t. But I do. I definitely do.
Charlotte Gainsbourg totally cuts up her vajay with a rusty pair of scissors. This is the same vajay the we get to see get fully penetrated by Willem Dafoe’s coddledoddly. Yes, this movie has full penetration, followed shortly thereafter by a small child jumping to his own death. Later on there’s a penis shooting blood, a fox that talks, and a deer that’s caught midway through giving birth to a still-born foal. All of this happened. For real. Well, not for real, but within the context of the movie. IT MAKES NO SENSE. But I get it. Do you? You might. Watch it. Or don’t. You’ll probably hate it.
SHE CUTS HER VAJAY OFF WITH SCISSORS!!!!! THAT’S IN-FUNKING-SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRING IT ON 2010. BRING. IT. ON.

2009 A Year in Review: Too Lazy to Create a Running Theme Edition

Yes, yes I know what I promised in regards to making this a running section of my blog. Well I lied. Get over it. I was too busy playing with my iPhone to really give a fuck about this blog (see previous blog). What’s sad is that even with an app on my iPhone that allows me to update at anytime from anywhere, I still cant find the time to update. This is due, in part, to my laziness. It is also due to the fact that restaurant managers don’t like to see you texting, let alone blogging while at work (2010 resolution…more success!). Anywhoozle, I’ve decided to post the top ten things that were my favorites of 2009. These could be songs, moments, movies, concerts, or simply just some shit that happened to me that were my favorites of 2009. I’m not going to promise what my next blog will contain because that seems to be the key to ensuring that it does not happen.

In that case, my next blog will be about me not enjoying a night on the town and nightcap at my place with Kristen Wiig (yes, the SNL lady. Fuck you, she’s hot and funny. Double threat). That should do it.

TOP TEN FAVORITE ‘THINGS’ ABOUT 2009 Numbers 10-5.....

10. That day where everyone died

How great was that day?!?!? First Farrah Fawcett dies of butt cancer (Honorable mention for this list: Butt Cancer Exists!), then mere seconds later Ted Kennedy gets a case of the liver-splodes, only to be followed by Patrick Swayze getting shot while robbing a bank. And then, when we all thought it was safe to be famous, Michael Jackson, worlds greatest role model, bleeds to death while trying to have sex with a dvd copy of ‘The Wiggles: LIVE’. Black people everywhere went crazy in mourning, white people everywhere got more indignant than they have ever been towards MJ (Whacko Jacko). Me? Im just glad that he passed on early enough in his career, before he had a chance to burn out and become a joke. Smell my sarcasm, people. The man started as the King of Pop and ended as the poster-boy(?) for pedophilia. Hopefully his film “Is This It?” will help clear his sullied name. I believe it was only minutes after MJ passed on that we were also blessed with the completely timely death of Brittany Murphy. This was a day for the ages! Everybody we love died at once. And then Brittany Murphy! Thank god(or god-like device) 2010 no longer has the potential to bring “Just Re-Married” and “9 Mile” to the multiplex.

9. Kanye West takes the mic from Taylor Swift

OMG! WTF?!?!? I’m so not LOLing right now. That was sooooooo inappropriate! Sound familiar?!?!? People everywhere were polarized on whether Kanye’s actions were acceptable. Were they? WHO GIVES A FUCK?!?!? Why were you watching the MTV video-music-movie-moonman-latino-hip-hop awards anyway? MTV awards shows are NEVER (ever) entertaining, never funny, and never accurate in determining what constitutes quality art. By winning an MTV based award, you are usually admitting that you suck.

I was asked, if I were Taylor Swift, what would I have done? Well, if I were Taylor Swift, I’d film myself having hot lesbian sex with an equally gorgeous woman and then mail the tape to Dan Scully. But that’s just me.

In Kanye’s defense, he’s a better rapper than Taylor Swift anyway. Also, he’s probably unable to read, which says something.

8. Pop-ups for AshleyMadison.com start appearing on all my favorite video sites.

What is AshleyMadison.com? Well, it’s an idea that is so fundamentally offensive, that it can’t help but to be profitable, and I can’t help but be angry at myself for not having thought of it first. AshleyMadison, is a dating site for those looking to have an affair. Ashley Madison, the person, is probably a whore. Their slogan is “Life is short; Have an Affair.” Life can be really short, if you’re shot to death by a scorned lover. Still, I have to hand it to them. Wow. I mean wow. And we’re still at a point where we’re not letting gays get married because it ‘ruins the sanctity of marriage’? Things like AshleyMadison.com and ‘Who wants to Marry an Unwilling Child’ are what ruins the sanctity of marriage. Hell, I don’t really believe marriage to be all that sanctimonious. From what I’m told, marriage is less of a blessing than it is an agreement between two people to reluctantly deal with one another until they are dead or wishing they were. I’ve been given two pieces of advice from every adult male on the planet: Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I will gladly listen. If I end up getting married, which I won’t, I will definitely be checking out AshleyMadison.com. I might even just pretend to be married so I can scan the site for ladies…

7. Inglourious Basterds

It’s not every year that you get to watch the greatest movie ever made. In fact, it’s only one year. This year. Jews killing the shit out of Nazis, while talking like total bad-asses. This is a formula that cannot be beat. Quentin Tarantino has always been a favorite of mine, and although I’m biased towards liking anything that bears his name, I think my interminable ass-kissing is completely merited. Not only did Tarantino create a perfect mash-up of multiple genres (Westerns, War Films, Foreign Romances, Heist Films, and Historical Epics), he ended up creating a new genre: Alternative History. Basterds is completely historically accurate, except that it’s not. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when you see it (which you had better. Just fucking watch it, Sean!), you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Tarantino uses his supreme gift for dialogue to create scenes of UNBEARABLE tension. Inappropriately dubbed an action flick, the movie focuses more on the conversations between characters and the repercussions of saying too much or not enough. Standing out in all of this is Christopher Waltz(not to be confused with the dance craze ‘The Waltz’) as Colonel Hans Landa of the SS (not to be confused with Lando Calrissian or Cloud City). This character oozes dislikabilty, and Waltz plays it with a gleeful insanity and a truly degenerate fetishism for being a manipulative dick. So in summation, Christopher Waltz better get on the pain-killer/sleeping pill train, Oscar season is on the horizon!!

6. The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Dallas Cowboys in the World Stanley!

No one thought it was possible. The Phillies taking home two World Stanley Ribbons in a row seemed so far-fetched it was worthy of a script treatment by Guillermo Del Toro. With our rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, gearing up for what could have been, nay, SHOULD have been a complete shut out, our boys in blue(red actually, but preserving alliteration is a resolution of mine) were able to almost double the amount of goals scored by their rivals. My bet? The Cowboys were sooooooooo fucking confident that they got lazy and allowed their weaknesses to show through. There’s an old childrens story outlining the same fault. It’s called “The Hamster and the Drag Strip Racer”. In it, the hamster wins the footrace by pacing himself and being efficient while the drag strip racer rushes, acts cocky, and ends up running out of fuel. This gave birth to the phrase “Slow hamsters wins the race”. The Cowboys’ intense laziness mixed with the Phillies’ last minute acquisition of Secretariat allowed the metaphorical planets to align, setting the perfect stage for a Philly victory. I can remember standing at the top of Mount Doom, looking down at Citizen’s Bank Park, and laughing in the eyes of the gods(not to be confused with God, who doesn’t exist) screaming at the top of my lungs, “OUR TIME HAS COME!”

I actually did this.

Also, bite me Yankees. Bite me Yankees fans. And bite me anyone who wasn’t born/raised in New York who roots for the Yankees.