2009 A Year in Review: Too Lazy to Create a Running Theme Edition

Yes, yes I know what I promised in regards to making this a running section of my blog. Well I lied. Get over it. I was too busy playing with my iPhone to really give a fuck about this blog (see previous blog). What’s sad is that even with an app on my iPhone that allows me to update at anytime from anywhere, I still cant find the time to update. This is due, in part, to my laziness. It is also due to the fact that restaurant managers don’t like to see you texting, let alone blogging while at work (2010 resolution…more success!). Anywhoozle, I’ve decided to post the top ten things that were my favorites of 2009. These could be songs, moments, movies, concerts, or simply just some shit that happened to me that were my favorites of 2009. I’m not going to promise what my next blog will contain because that seems to be the key to ensuring that it does not happen.

In that case, my next blog will be about me not enjoying a night on the town and nightcap at my place with Kristen Wiig (yes, the SNL lady. Fuck you, she’s hot and funny. Double threat). That should do it.

TOP TEN FAVORITE ‘THINGS’ ABOUT 2009 Numbers 10-5.....

10. That day where everyone died

How great was that day?!?!? First Farrah Fawcett dies of butt cancer (Honorable mention for this list: Butt Cancer Exists!), then mere seconds later Ted Kennedy gets a case of the liver-splodes, only to be followed by Patrick Swayze getting shot while robbing a bank. And then, when we all thought it was safe to be famous, Michael Jackson, worlds greatest role model, bleeds to death while trying to have sex with a dvd copy of ‘The Wiggles: LIVE’. Black people everywhere went crazy in mourning, white people everywhere got more indignant than they have ever been towards MJ (Whacko Jacko). Me? Im just glad that he passed on early enough in his career, before he had a chance to burn out and become a joke. Smell my sarcasm, people. The man started as the King of Pop and ended as the poster-boy(?) for pedophilia. Hopefully his film “Is This It?” will help clear his sullied name. I believe it was only minutes after MJ passed on that we were also blessed with the completely timely death of Brittany Murphy. This was a day for the ages! Everybody we love died at once. And then Brittany Murphy! Thank god(or god-like device) 2010 no longer has the potential to bring “Just Re-Married” and “9 Mile” to the multiplex.

9. Kanye West takes the mic from Taylor Swift

OMG! WTF?!?!? I’m so not LOLing right now. That was sooooooo inappropriate! Sound familiar?!?!? People everywhere were polarized on whether Kanye’s actions were acceptable. Were they? WHO GIVES A FUCK?!?!? Why were you watching the MTV video-music-movie-moonman-latino-hip-hop awards anyway? MTV awards shows are NEVER (ever) entertaining, never funny, and never accurate in determining what constitutes quality art. By winning an MTV based award, you are usually admitting that you suck.

I was asked, if I were Taylor Swift, what would I have done? Well, if I were Taylor Swift, I’d film myself having hot lesbian sex with an equally gorgeous woman and then mail the tape to Dan Scully. But that’s just me.

In Kanye’s defense, he’s a better rapper than Taylor Swift anyway. Also, he’s probably unable to read, which says something.

8. Pop-ups for AshleyMadison.com start appearing on all my favorite video sites.

What is AshleyMadison.com? Well, it’s an idea that is so fundamentally offensive, that it can’t help but to be profitable, and I can’t help but be angry at myself for not having thought of it first. AshleyMadison, is a dating site for those looking to have an affair. Ashley Madison, the person, is probably a whore. Their slogan is “Life is short; Have an Affair.” Life can be really short, if you’re shot to death by a scorned lover. Still, I have to hand it to them. Wow. I mean wow. And we’re still at a point where we’re not letting gays get married because it ‘ruins the sanctity of marriage’? Things like AshleyMadison.com and ‘Who wants to Marry an Unwilling Child’ are what ruins the sanctity of marriage. Hell, I don’t really believe marriage to be all that sanctimonious. From what I’m told, marriage is less of a blessing than it is an agreement between two people to reluctantly deal with one another until they are dead or wishing they were. I’ve been given two pieces of advice from every adult male on the planet: Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I will gladly listen. If I end up getting married, which I won’t, I will definitely be checking out AshleyMadison.com. I might even just pretend to be married so I can scan the site for ladies…

7. Inglourious Basterds

It’s not every year that you get to watch the greatest movie ever made. In fact, it’s only one year. This year. Jews killing the shit out of Nazis, while talking like total bad-asses. This is a formula that cannot be beat. Quentin Tarantino has always been a favorite of mine, and although I’m biased towards liking anything that bears his name, I think my interminable ass-kissing is completely merited. Not only did Tarantino create a perfect mash-up of multiple genres (Westerns, War Films, Foreign Romances, Heist Films, and Historical Epics), he ended up creating a new genre: Alternative History. Basterds is completely historically accurate, except that it’s not. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when you see it (which you had better. Just fucking watch it, Sean!), you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Tarantino uses his supreme gift for dialogue to create scenes of UNBEARABLE tension. Inappropriately dubbed an action flick, the movie focuses more on the conversations between characters and the repercussions of saying too much or not enough. Standing out in all of this is Christopher Waltz(not to be confused with the dance craze ‘The Waltz’) as Colonel Hans Landa of the SS (not to be confused with Lando Calrissian or Cloud City). This character oozes dislikabilty, and Waltz plays it with a gleeful insanity and a truly degenerate fetishism for being a manipulative dick. So in summation, Christopher Waltz better get on the pain-killer/sleeping pill train, Oscar season is on the horizon!!

6. The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Dallas Cowboys in the World Stanley!

No one thought it was possible. The Phillies taking home two World Stanley Ribbons in a row seemed so far-fetched it was worthy of a script treatment by Guillermo Del Toro. With our rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, gearing up for what could have been, nay, SHOULD have been a complete shut out, our boys in blue(red actually, but preserving alliteration is a resolution of mine) were able to almost double the amount of goals scored by their rivals. My bet? The Cowboys were sooooooooo fucking confident that they got lazy and allowed their weaknesses to show through. There’s an old childrens story outlining the same fault. It’s called “The Hamster and the Drag Strip Racer”. In it, the hamster wins the footrace by pacing himself and being efficient while the drag strip racer rushes, acts cocky, and ends up running out of fuel. This gave birth to the phrase “Slow hamsters wins the race”. The Cowboys’ intense laziness mixed with the Phillies’ last minute acquisition of Secretariat allowed the metaphorical planets to align, setting the perfect stage for a Philly victory. I can remember standing at the top of Mount Doom, looking down at Citizen’s Bank Park, and laughing in the eyes of the gods(not to be confused with God, who doesn’t exist) screaming at the top of my lungs, “OUR TIME HAS COME!”

I actually did this.

Also, bite me Yankees. Bite me Yankees fans. And bite me anyone who wasn’t born/raised in New York who roots for the Yankees.