2009: A year in review PART 2: Attack of the Clones

Ok, finally. Here it is. I've narrowed down my top 5 favorite things about 2009.


5. My favorite band, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” finally hit it big with their song “FreeCreditReport.com”



Arguably the catchiest pop tune of the year, “FreeCreditReport.com” has captured the ears and CapitalOne accounts of young and old alike. “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” went from a bunch of lazy jerk-offs with bad credit, to being the biggest thing since sliced Jesus, and they did so practically overnight. I remember seeing these guys as a lame Renaissance Faire band wayyyyy back in the day when they were underground. I also seem to remember having the singer as my waiter at my favorite pirate restaurant (I watched him and his band get chewed out and fired by their manager for turning the kitchen into a “disturbing musical brouhaha”). Little did I know that these young whippersnappers would soon outshine the likes of Paul McCartney, Sinead O’ Connor, The Verve Pipe, and Ernest P. Worrell.
Most bands who endure a meteoric rise(don’t meteors go down? I dunno) to fame soon suffer from either a stinging fan backlash, internal strife with band members, or they just fade away into nothingness, gone from the charts faster than they arrived. The only way an artist can avoid this is by creating a body of consistently dazzling work. Not to be destroyed by their own potent rockitude, “The Stupid Fucking Assholes” were able to follow their smash hit with yet another piece of golden plated harmony entitled “Schools OnDemand”. The face of rock has been changed. And daddy like. Daddy like a lot.
Interested in hearing more of “The Stupid Fucking Assholes”? Just tune into television at any time of any day on any channel.

4. Obama assumes the presidency and fixes everything over the course of one week.



January 20th, 2009 is a day that will be remembered forever. For that was the day that everyones favwite widdle pwesident, George W. Bush, left office after 8 years of destroying terrorism with an iron fist and balls made of taxes and red white and blue and rocknroll and trucks and heavy metal guitar riffs and torturing people and flying jets and killing aliens and competing in tournaments and punching babies and shootin guns and killing Nazis and power tools and fighting gangs and doggy style and army of one and smoking weed with Harold and Kumar and THESE COLORS DO NOT RUN!
This bumbling little rich kid bumbled and riched soooooooo much, that America was suddenly ready to elect a black dude. A new day has come! Now I’m guessing the decision was made easier for most Americans by the fact that Obama is not very black. If there was a check list with 20 bullet points that make you black, he’d have the bare minimum checked off (Black wife- check, Not white- check, Takes it to the hole from dooooowntown-check). Still, this was a huge step forward for race relations in our country and it seemed that all our problems would be fixed.
Little did we know…
They WOULD BE fixed!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Using his mutant ability to convert the sun’s rays into powerful beams of peace and wealth, President Obama turned America into a smooth-talking, head-bowing, peace machine. Within a week, universal healthcare was granted to every person on the planet, yes PLANET. Within merely the first few days of the Obama administration terrorism disappeared because Al-Qaeda members were too busy kissing babies and respecting women. Suddenly, our ozone not only mended its hole, but grew to be stronger than it ever has been. Animals learned to talk and told us of a new way to protect forests (I won’t get into details but involves ‘apps’). White people learned to dance. Black people learned to tip. Chinese people learned to drive. Italians learned to be trustworthy. Cuba got a baseball team. Cars are fueled by happiness (which exists in droves!). Monsters became our friends. Free Gatorade for everyone.
And from this point forward, there will never, ever be any sort of problem with anything. God Bless America.
Dear world, you’re fucking welcome. Love always but not really, America.

3. LOST introduced time-travel, thusly securing it’s status as the bestest thing ever.




Ask yourself, what is the coolest thing on the planet? That’s right. Me. But being the coolest thing on the planet, it is up to me to determine what things are as cool as me. From my ivory tower (well-deserved, mind you) I have determined that the coolest thing besides myself is time-travel. The third coolest thing is LOST.
2009 brought us season 5 of LOST. Season 5 of LOST brought us TIME TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!! (Warning, here comes some spoilers). At the end of season 4, John Locke decided it would be a good idea to “move” the island. Ok, so it was Ben’s idea, but Ben is a fag and you can’t trust him so I’m giving credit to Locke. The island disappears right in front of our eyes (WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but it hasn’t changed location in space, it changed location in TIME! Holy shit! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!! Now we’ve got half of our castaways stuck in the 70s and the other half stuck back at home with the increasingly insufferable Jack (played by a piece of wood carved to look like Matthew Fox). Shit starts blowing up, Hurley invents Yahoo, Ben grows up to become Kevin Spacey, and Sayid tortures the space-time continuum with a car battery. We run into characters as kids, Jack and Kate finally fuck, and Jack and Sawyer beat the fucking hell out of one another. It’s so bad ass. And at the end of it all, Juliet(the girl who dyked it out with Angelina Jolie in ‘Gia’) blows up the 70s. What are we to do??
Season 6 premieres in 2 weeks and I have a few predictions:
1. Jack will act like a bitch
2. Sawyer will scowl at things
3. Locke’s old man breasts will distract me from the plot
4. Sayid will refuse to torture ever again ever ever ever.
5. Sayid will torture at least 35 people
6. Sayid will attempt to torture a few more people, but get distracted from his mission by a new potential list of torture victims
7. Sayid will be denied a torture session
8. Sayid will react by torturing someone
9. Kate will have long arms
10. Hurley will call someone dude/be fat
11. Michelle Rodriguez will return from the dead
12. Michelle Rodriguez will die
13. The island will be magic.
14. Sayid will torture the island with a car battery (he’ll find the car battery in a cave. It was left there by him in the 70s when he was torturing the cave. Go time travel!)
Stay tuned. I’m sure I’ll have some blog commentary as the new season unfolds.

2. Bonnaroo music festival.


I went to Bonnaroo. It was the greatest week of my life. Music, sex, drugs, murder, rape, DJHero, fountains, ferris wheels, gas stoves, nitrous balloons, hippies, criminals, nudity, green-man, sunshine, sunburn, fire shows, seeing bands, meeting bands, seeing comedians, meeting comedians, eating alligator, motels, tents, Nazis, velociraptors, Lycans, Ben Roethlisberger(sp?), Glenn Close, fuse tv, Triumph. Most of these things are at Bonnaroo. I dare you to pick out the false entries.
Highlights:
Waiting an hour to see Triumph the insult comic dog. Wrong line. Never made it in.
Dancing in the fountain to NWA
Coheed and Cambria throwing water bottles into the crowd despite Bonnaroo’s “bottles are wasteful” policy
Eating gator tail cuz the guy behind the counter sprayed me with a hose
Kangaroo Jerky
Hiding from the rain and watching the lightning
Maintaining my cool while everyone in the car was vomiting
Watching cops mounted on horses tackle nitrous dealers
Making the crowd laugh during the Beastie Boys by yelling “Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon”
I really should devote another entry in my blog to this wondrous event. It was THE GREATEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. Everyone should go. If you don’t go at least once, you will not be living a full life. It’s a fact that you suck if you miss it.
BTW Alligator is delicious. Also, when it comes to music festivals, the population is usually inundated with the most worthless people on the planet: hippies. I’m not talking about fun flower children, I’m talking about dirty bums who are more interested in the drugs than the music. Luckily there’s not many of them here. Bonnaroo tends to attract a wide variety of people. The melting pot of tastes and types is friggin beautiful. Just go. GO!

1. Antichrist!! The CRAZIEST MOVIE EVER, is released.



MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW
Lars Von Trier, everyone’s favorite nudist European filmmaker, made a truly, madly, deeply(!) challenging movie. I can’t tell you what happens, largely because I don’t know. It makes no sense. But I get it. I know what Von Trier was going for, even though I don’t. But I do. I definitely do.
Charlotte Gainsbourg totally cuts up her vajay with a rusty pair of scissors. This is the same vajay the we get to see get fully penetrated by Willem Dafoe’s coddledoddly. Yes, this movie has full penetration, followed shortly thereafter by a small child jumping to his own death. Later on there’s a penis shooting blood, a fox that talks, and a deer that’s caught midway through giving birth to a still-born foal. All of this happened. For real. Well, not for real, but within the context of the movie. IT MAKES NO SENSE. But I get it. Do you? You might. Watch it. Or don’t. You’ll probably hate it.
SHE CUTS HER VAJAY OFF WITH SCISSORS!!!!! THAT’S IN-FUNKING-SANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BRING IT ON 2010. BRING. IT. ON.

2009 A Year in Review: Too Lazy to Create a Running Theme Edition

Yes, yes I know what I promised in regards to making this a running section of my blog. Well I lied. Get over it. I was too busy playing with my iPhone to really give a fuck about this blog (see previous blog). What’s sad is that even with an app on my iPhone that allows me to update at anytime from anywhere, I still cant find the time to update. This is due, in part, to my laziness. It is also due to the fact that restaurant managers don’t like to see you texting, let alone blogging while at work (2010 resolution…more success!). Anywhoozle, I’ve decided to post the top ten things that were my favorites of 2009. These could be songs, moments, movies, concerts, or simply just some shit that happened to me that were my favorites of 2009. I’m not going to promise what my next blog will contain because that seems to be the key to ensuring that it does not happen.

In that case, my next blog will be about me not enjoying a night on the town and nightcap at my place with Kristen Wiig (yes, the SNL lady. Fuck you, she’s hot and funny. Double threat). That should do it.

TOP TEN FAVORITE ‘THINGS’ ABOUT 2009 Numbers 10-5.....

10. That day where everyone died

How great was that day?!?!? First Farrah Fawcett dies of butt cancer (Honorable mention for this list: Butt Cancer Exists!), then mere seconds later Ted Kennedy gets a case of the liver-splodes, only to be followed by Patrick Swayze getting shot while robbing a bank. And then, when we all thought it was safe to be famous, Michael Jackson, worlds greatest role model, bleeds to death while trying to have sex with a dvd copy of ‘The Wiggles: LIVE’. Black people everywhere went crazy in mourning, white people everywhere got more indignant than they have ever been towards MJ (Whacko Jacko). Me? Im just glad that he passed on early enough in his career, before he had a chance to burn out and become a joke. Smell my sarcasm, people. The man started as the King of Pop and ended as the poster-boy(?) for pedophilia. Hopefully his film “Is This It?” will help clear his sullied name. I believe it was only minutes after MJ passed on that we were also blessed with the completely timely death of Brittany Murphy. This was a day for the ages! Everybody we love died at once. And then Brittany Murphy! Thank god(or god-like device) 2010 no longer has the potential to bring “Just Re-Married” and “9 Mile” to the multiplex.

9. Kanye West takes the mic from Taylor Swift

OMG! WTF?!?!? I’m so not LOLing right now. That was sooooooo inappropriate! Sound familiar?!?!? People everywhere were polarized on whether Kanye’s actions were acceptable. Were they? WHO GIVES A FUCK?!?!? Why were you watching the MTV video-music-movie-moonman-latino-hip-hop awards anyway? MTV awards shows are NEVER (ever) entertaining, never funny, and never accurate in determining what constitutes quality art. By winning an MTV based award, you are usually admitting that you suck.

I was asked, if I were Taylor Swift, what would I have done? Well, if I were Taylor Swift, I’d film myself having hot lesbian sex with an equally gorgeous woman and then mail the tape to Dan Scully. But that’s just me.

In Kanye’s defense, he’s a better rapper than Taylor Swift anyway. Also, he’s probably unable to read, which says something.

8. Pop-ups for AshleyMadison.com start appearing on all my favorite video sites.

What is AshleyMadison.com? Well, it’s an idea that is so fundamentally offensive, that it can’t help but to be profitable, and I can’t help but be angry at myself for not having thought of it first. AshleyMadison, is a dating site for those looking to have an affair. Ashley Madison, the person, is probably a whore. Their slogan is “Life is short; Have an Affair.” Life can be really short, if you’re shot to death by a scorned lover. Still, I have to hand it to them. Wow. I mean wow. And we’re still at a point where we’re not letting gays get married because it ‘ruins the sanctity of marriage’? Things like AshleyMadison.com and ‘Who wants to Marry an Unwilling Child’ are what ruins the sanctity of marriage. Hell, I don’t really believe marriage to be all that sanctimonious. From what I’m told, marriage is less of a blessing than it is an agreement between two people to reluctantly deal with one another until they are dead or wishing they were. I’ve been given two pieces of advice from every adult male on the planet: Don’t get married. Don’t have kids. I will gladly listen. If I end up getting married, which I won’t, I will definitely be checking out AshleyMadison.com. I might even just pretend to be married so I can scan the site for ladies…

7. Inglourious Basterds

It’s not every year that you get to watch the greatest movie ever made. In fact, it’s only one year. This year. Jews killing the shit out of Nazis, while talking like total bad-asses. This is a formula that cannot be beat. Quentin Tarantino has always been a favorite of mine, and although I’m biased towards liking anything that bears his name, I think my interminable ass-kissing is completely merited. Not only did Tarantino create a perfect mash-up of multiple genres (Westerns, War Films, Foreign Romances, Heist Films, and Historical Epics), he ended up creating a new genre: Alternative History. Basterds is completely historically accurate, except that it’s not. I don’t want to ruin the ending, but when you see it (which you had better. Just fucking watch it, Sean!), you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Tarantino uses his supreme gift for dialogue to create scenes of UNBEARABLE tension. Inappropriately dubbed an action flick, the movie focuses more on the conversations between characters and the repercussions of saying too much or not enough. Standing out in all of this is Christopher Waltz(not to be confused with the dance craze ‘The Waltz’) as Colonel Hans Landa of the SS (not to be confused with Lando Calrissian or Cloud City). This character oozes dislikabilty, and Waltz plays it with a gleeful insanity and a truly degenerate fetishism for being a manipulative dick. So in summation, Christopher Waltz better get on the pain-killer/sleeping pill train, Oscar season is on the horizon!!

6. The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Dallas Cowboys in the World Stanley!

No one thought it was possible. The Phillies taking home two World Stanley Ribbons in a row seemed so far-fetched it was worthy of a script treatment by Guillermo Del Toro. With our rivals, the Dallas Cowboys, gearing up for what could have been, nay, SHOULD have been a complete shut out, our boys in blue(red actually, but preserving alliteration is a resolution of mine) were able to almost double the amount of goals scored by their rivals. My bet? The Cowboys were sooooooooo fucking confident that they got lazy and allowed their weaknesses to show through. There’s an old childrens story outlining the same fault. It’s called “The Hamster and the Drag Strip Racer”. In it, the hamster wins the footrace by pacing himself and being efficient while the drag strip racer rushes, acts cocky, and ends up running out of fuel. This gave birth to the phrase “Slow hamsters wins the race”. The Cowboys’ intense laziness mixed with the Phillies’ last minute acquisition of Secretariat allowed the metaphorical planets to align, setting the perfect stage for a Philly victory. I can remember standing at the top of Mount Doom, looking down at Citizen’s Bank Park, and laughing in the eyes of the gods(not to be confused with God, who doesn’t exist) screaming at the top of my lungs, “OUR TIME HAS COME!”

I actually did this.

Also, bite me Yankees. Bite me Yankees fans. And bite me anyone who wasn’t born/raised in New York who roots for the Yankees.