A Message to the Studios

Dear Studio People From the Movies,

I know that it is customary for role-seeking actors to submit themselves to an audition, but considering my rising star status, I feel that it is you, studio people, who should be auditioning for me. You want me in your movies.

Need action? Call me. Need eye candy for the ladies? Call me. Have a script that needs work? Call me. Stunts? Me. Sex? Me. Special effects? Me. Low-quality hack work? Fuck off! Get someone else.

My range as an actor is unbelievable. I have found success portraying dramatic characters(as evidenced in the student film "Jell-o Dolly"), comedic characters (see my superior portrayal of the character Biff Tannen in my personal remake of Back to the Future), and can even do fantastic 'adult' work(gigantic and beautiful penis).

Being that I am way too busy with my career, and well behind on 'Breaking Bad', I have decided to offer you, Mr/Mrs studio executive guy, an opportunity to sample my Lawrence Olivier-like abilities via e-mail.

My first (and only) acting teacher taught me that "acting is acting like you're not acting". Also, she taught me that most acting teachers are just failed actors who drank themselves into insanity. Also, that first part is actually just a quote from "The Rocketeer" and not from my acting teacher, who was an insane drunkard incapable of forming a coherent thought outside of "Fuck Meryl Streep".

Regardless of my lack of formal training, I was still able to become the brilliant artiste that I am today.

Prepare to have your brains splattered all over the wall behind you! It is time for ACTING!

Let's start with a few basic emotions

Slight Anger:



Notice my use of fist shaking to drive the point home.

Blinding rage:



It is clear here that I have been pushed beyond the point of return and I am now making decisions under duress.

This is a little ditty I'd like to call "Oh, it's you":



You see? I'm trying to be polite, but it is clear that I have disdain for my new acquaintance.

Now I'm sure you're seeing these photos and saying to yourself, "Look at this guy. He's clearly very good. Dare I say one of the best, buuuuuuut I want a SMART leading man! Inception 2: Game Over is a smart movie for smart people!"

You want smart? Oh I can do smart.


Boom.

Here's a situation. You get a phone call and...uh-oh. Daniel Day-Lewis went bernanners and can't perform. You need a character actor, and you need one now. Look no further, I can do characters. Here's a character I created. His name is Gary and he's a Batman enthusiast.



Believable as can be. I've often been told that I look like a completely different person when I do this character.

Well, I wasn't going to do this. I'm not really even supposed to do this, but since you're considering hiring me, I'll let this one slide. I'm secretly at work on the set of "Funny Bunches of Oates~A Comedic Retrospective into the Life of John Oates". Here's a photo of my work from the set



Uncanny.

I'm sure you're hoping that this formality has come to an end so that you can rush to your phone and send a call to my agent(me). Well don't jump up too fast, I've got a few scenes to act out for you.
I call this one "My wife is falling off a cliff and I can't hold on"



Intense.

"In Soviet Russia, movie make you!!"



These next two go together. They're called "You're pregnant?!?!?" and "about that baby..."






And I leave you now with my finest creation:
"Getting a boner right before having to deliver a eulogy"




Thank you for your time studio guy/lady. Also, you're welcome for my time. My agents, myself, and the world are waiting for your call.
Sincerely,
Dan Scully



"We've done a good thing here today"