Thy Kingdom Sucks: Fuck The Boondock Saints

It appears that I have cemented my position in life as "The Movie Guy". This is very cool to me since I am the guy everybody comes to for reviews, recommendations, and explanations. Sadly, there is a downside. As "The Movie Guy" it is unavoidable to become a bit of a snob about what is worth watching and what is utter dreck. Now, unlike many(perhaps more credible)"Movie Guys", I tend to like most everything. Some flicks are better than others, but for the most part, I try to find a reason to enjoy any film I see. Couple that with my ability to avoid films that I know I won't like(Oh, Katherine Heigl, you're my favorite red flag), and I simply can't give a bad review.


On the other hand, when I don't like a movie, you KNOW it has got to be a special kind of terrible. "The Boondock Saints" is that kind of terrible. What makes it worse is that I think I might be the only person who feels this way. People LOVE "Saints" so much that they buy logo shirts, eat food out of logo lunchboxes, dress up as characters for Halloween(or for school!), and even get tattoos to match those of the lead characters. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!? If you get AEQUITAS and VERITAS tattooed anywhere on your body, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease do not procreate(what's really sad is that there's some dumb ho out there that will find said tattoos to be so hot that she'll gladly rock a c-section scar to match her man's ink).

It would be unfair for me to wantonly shit on a movie without giving it one last chance for redemption. Before revisiting it, I had always felt that "Saints" was an alright movie, over-hyped by it's legions of fans. Oh boy, I could not have been more wrong. Upon my recent viewing I discovered that this movie was not only bad, but downright UNWATCHABLE at points. It looks like it was written and directed by me, shot on my porch using a VHS camera, and edited by my narcoleptic uncle(who, for the sake of this article, exists). It is a complete mess, not even worthy of being considered a mildly distracting genre entry.

Let's tear this fucker apart from the opening credits


1. Our characters are introduced in a Church, cuz, ya know, churches in Boston are a sign of a good movie. Our characters get up in the middle of a mass to walk past the priest, kneel down behind the altar to silently pray, and then leave before the mass is done. What a couple of dickheads. Even one priest, who clearly is not in the know, motions to stop them, only to be halted by another priest who seems to say, "Leave them be, they're The Boondock Saints. Ya know, from that movie". This is all despite the fact that they haven't done anything yet to deserve notoriety. As far as were concerned, at this point they're just a couple of brothers who work in a meat-packing plant(appropriate)

2. This brings us to the meat-packing plant, where our favorite zany brothers are enlisted to train an amalgamation of lesbian stereotypes on how to pack meat. Somehow this results in the two boys beating up this woman. Luckily, they have Irish accents which make this beating light-hearted and fun rather than violent and criminal. Naturally they are fired and must go drink because guess what...it's Saint Patricks Day. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Ireland!

3. We now meet their friends, Italian Stereotype, and Bartender-With-A-Parodical-Case-Of-Tourrette's. We are introduced to Italian Stereotype by way of a freeze-frame with an onscreen profile of who he is and why we should care(we shouldn't). This device is used for some characters and not for others, and only seems to pop up when the script needs to add "depth" without actually writing anything. It's a grand old time at the bar until suddenly a few Russian Mafia guys(security guard type Americans who are doing their best Ivan Drago)appear and want to close the bar because of mafia things. This results in a fight. Ireland wins.

4. Uh-oh, the Russians are dead! What happened? This non-linear narrative is confusing me! Oh wait, it's just Troy Duffy thinking he's a director again. Tarantino does things out of order, that's what makes him a good director right? No what makes him a good director is his attention to film detail, his incredible dialogue work, and his ability to evoke great performances from his players. You, Mr. Duffy, are using a gimmick. Good filmmakers alter narratives, but using altered narratives don't necessarily mean you're a good filmmaker.


5. Our host to the madness is good ol' Willem Dafoe...who SUCKS DICK in this movie both figuratively and literally. He plays an FBI agent who is called in to investigate these murders for no reason. It's treated as if it were the latest in a string of unsolved serial killings. It's not. As far as the local police can tell, the crime scene looks like a bar fight gone awry(which it was). So naturally they requested FBI assistance so that they could all stand around and read lines of dialogue ripped from a childhood game of Cops & Robbers. Dafoe treats us to a description of the crime coupled with a boring slo-motion(oooooooooooh, aaaaaaaah) depiction.


6. Did I mention that Willem Dafoe is gay for no reason? The script seems to call for him to be gay merely so that the film can portray yet another negative stereotype. Anywho, Dafoe fingers(not literally, although I'm sure he thought about it) the "Saints" for the murders and then sets them free. Ah yes the classic self-defense...uh..defense. Before they can be set free, however, they must spend the night in the world's leakiest prison cell. It is in their beds, under two identical leaks, that the "Saints" opt not to move their beds, and instead are "blessed" by the rain. Ya know, cuz Catholicism rules, just like Ireland. They look into each other's eyes and, without saying a word to each other, decide to buy a bunch of guns and become renegade killers for fun. The catch, they only kill criminals(like Dexter, only completely shitty in every way)

7. The formula continues from here. Willem Dafoe shows up at a crime scene, bitches at some cops for a bit, and then describes what happened. We see what happened. We move on. There are two scenes of note peppered into this mix. One is a scene where Italian Stereotype meets up with his Mafia boss and Ron Jeremy. He is made to tell an unfunny joke and is corrected by RJ and boss to use the term "Nigger" instead of "black guy" which is supposed to be funny. It's not. The other notable scene is one in which the "Saints" walk into a fully loaded arms cabinet(they know a guy, I guess) and inexplicably trade a watch, a beeper, and two handguns, for carte blanche access to take as muany guns and as much ammo as they can carry.



8. At this point our Saints have pissed off local mafiosos(the leader of which switches from an Italian accent to a Middle-Eastern accent flawlessly), and the mafia decides to call in "Il Duce", a killer so cold-hearted and evil, that he's the mafia's only hope to contain the Saints. He is being kept in a high-security prison, and must be shackled and caged just to be transported. He is paroled. Why? Cuz the script said he should be. Folks have argued that the mafia has the ability to use their "connections" to free this man as they please. If this is the case, why would this man that they keep shackled until they need him feel any desire to help the mob?


9. Willem Dafoe now treats us to yet another crime scene reenactment, only this time there are a few twists: One, Willem Dafoe acts out the scene along with the Saints, and two, his description of what happened is different than what actually happened. Dafoe believes the Saints were ambushed by six men with guns. WRONG! Actually they were ambushed by one man with six guns! I guess this is what made Il Duce so dangerous. He carries six guns! No wonder the mob called him in to help. This is where this already broken movie simply falls apart. Why would the mob send one guy in to ambush a place where they KNEW the Saints would be when they could have sent 50? I don't know. Why would four men with shit-tons of ammo shooting at each other from a distance of 10 feet be unable to kill each other? I don't know. I guess Il Duce isn't as dangerous as we once thought.



10. Willem Dafoe gets drunk, and is inspired to join the Saints. They welcome him via payphone and are captured by the mob soon after. Italian stereotype is killed. Boo hoo. Willem Dafoe gets wind of this, and within seconds, devises and enacts a plan to dress in drag and ambush the mob. Oh wait! NOW I know why he was written as gay. It was so it could easily be explained as to why Dafoe had such fast access to womens clothing. Good thing this plothole was explained. I was worried this movie would stop making sense.

11. Guess what? Il Duce is the Saints' father and everything's ok. How do we know this? Il Duce prays the same as the Saints. Good news, it seems having and insatiable bloodlust and a desire to be a dickhead runs in the family.

12. The newly founded trio steps into court(with the help of Dafoe) and murders the defendant because it's the right thing to do. And Ireland. Don't forget Ireland. Credits are rolled and I assume that none of the armed police officers in the courtroom found it appropriate to kill the Saints because there is apparently a sequel. I almost want to watch it. Almost.

PS. If you have to audacity to recommend this movie to me at any point PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE do not act as if nobody has heard of this movie and you're some genius letting me in on a secret. Everyone has heard of this movie. EVERYONE. That's like recommending Starbucks to somebody as if it were a top secret coffee facility. Only I'd much rather drink Starbucks than watch The Boondock Saints.